Notes from 5-2-2010

I’ve been bobbing in and out of consciousness for more than I care to admit. I’ve been mostly like a zombie, running errands, meeting deadlines and delivering my intended output. Apart from that, I haven’t really lived.

No fire. No light.

What I’m trying to say is quality. The kind that does not numb you from your inner self. The kind that will not rob you of choice. The kind that will let you say, “I’m off to bed, if I don’t wake up, that’s fine. I’ve lived”

***

I’m not attracted to drama. I need to survive and too much of that is comparable to slitting my wrist.

I’m all about self preservation. But have you ever been stuck, confused, helpless and utterly lost. That’s where I am at right now.

And don’t call me Emo, if you know what’s good for you.

***

Good news, bad news. I’m bored out of my skull and a relationship issue is brewing – thus a time off is needed.

Since everyone is busy – including you — I am headed to the mountains myself. Don’t worry, this is not the first time I ran off with me. I’m a backpacker. And we can be stubborn when we feel the need to leave … and leave I will, with or without cpmpany.

So before packing my bag, I had to run all my errands and endorse work items. Then tickets. Bought a round trip, called for a room reservation, then wrote on a piece of paper my very short itinerary.

When I get back, I’ll be appropriately tired. Too tired I won’t have time to entertain death by boredom.

Stupid boredom – oh well at least I’m paid lounging around. How many of you can say the same? LOL, I thought so.

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Notes from 1-28-2012

Thoughts at 4:14 in the morning.

It is a scary thought. But maybe, these things do have a purpose. Somehow the distance is teaching me a great deal about myself, I am still a whole person regardless of the world’s endeavor to fringe my beliefs to sham. That although I’m a tad lost, I can still stand on my own two feet.

If in case, it goes south I am headed north. A fresh start, a new name, and perhaps a new life. It may be difficult, I know that part can never be avoided, but for sure I can still save a little of myself and grow it into something else. Something that may or may not resemble someone better; I’d just fashion it to what I hope to be. Of all the bad things that have happened in my life, I guess this one shouldn’t brazen me. I should have been broken and lost a long time ago yet, I am here; making good use of myself.

I wish that in the event I decide to do the right thing, I can still look up at the sky, breath in and say thank you. Regardless of the impending hardship and pain, I still wish to appreciate the colors of the sky when the day and night shifts.

I might have been wrong to ask for so much, maybe it was simply right to close my eyes and allow the vast sense of isolation permeate. But the big change has confused me and I am fully aware that if it’s taken away, it would be the hardest most painful thing I will ever experience. Yet a voice at the back of my head is resolved that everything will still be okay. That I have had that ability all along and that I only had to leave and I will be alright.

Somehow amongst all these, I simply wish that I can close my eyes and never open it again. I wish for a sleep that will cure me of this alienation.

Have you ever wished to close your eyes and dream for an eternity? You should, it may just happen and it can be such a treat. Why shouldn’t you take advantage of a world caving in without sleeping through its vast cold embrace?

One really should.

Cathedral-Basilica of the Immaculate Conception

Or more famously known as Manila Cathedral, is the cathedral church of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Manila. It is located in the Intramuros district of Manila in the Philippines. The cathedral has been damaged and destroyed several times since the original cathedral was built in 1581; the sixth and current incarnation of the cathedral was completed in 1958 and was consecrated as a minor basilica in 1981. It is dedicated to Saint Mary under the title Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception, patroness of the Philippines.