For The First Time

9 02 2012




The Twilight Zone Moment

7 02 2012

It’ll be a busy week for me so I’m putting this out of the way as early as now. I don’t want to miss anymore committed weekly article.

After having gone through the customary torture appointement, a.k.a visit to the dermatologist, I am now peeling properly. Something not so appealing to look at. And although I’d like to go on leave in order to heal and avoid scarring people, I can’t. I willed to be at work for the entire week to avoid any problems that may arise while I’m away.

God knows I have enough problems on my plate to last me the whole first quarter.

I should be properly busy and occupied I won’t have any spare time to scribble. So here I am, writing unimportant thoughts.

What are the chances of two people, presumably so in love that they plan to marry, of  fighting three weeks in a row? If you ask me, I can say, very likely.

The first few weeks we were together it was established that we are completely two different individuals with very different principles and disciplines in life. I for one, is headstrong, works hard to earn respect (thus demands to be respected in return), thrifty, deliver what is promised and a lady. The other one is simply – and to avoid using the wrong words – laid back and have had experiences with women who give ladies like me a bad name. He was a case of good carefree boy ending with nasty women.

Tough luck, huh?

With that being said, we worked hard to be together given we’ve identified that we want resolved to be together. A need we both fondly acknowledge and firmly believe. Among the numerous differences we have, we choose to strive and make it work. In the many good days we have shared, I’ve seen that the hard work is paying off. However sometimes, when we forget that we are now adjusting to live as one, two separate headbutting individuals come out.

It brings both of us so much grief and a lot of exchanged words that are, at the end of the day, unnecessary and hurtful. Yet, with the many times we have fought we continually forget that we should not fight over petty things or perhaps just allow the other to sound off their frustrations and not take it the wrong way. All these times, all the kiss and make and up, all the lessons and all the tears has not taught us to stop fighting.

True, it is never healthy not to argue so we should still allow these gaps to come by in order for us to identify if a relationship is worth keeping. But arguing for three straight weeks is dangerous.

I am confident that we’ll be able to fare the storm, it’s only a matter of time before we go running in each other’s arms. What I do not like is the power of deadening fights. If we continue to be like this, fights will become a normal routine, so normal that instaed of sitting down and talking we just proceed to argue. That instead of facing challenges in a civilized way, we’ll just go for all out war.

I’ve never been a fan of couple fighting in public, or hearing my neighbors domestic issues. So I for one is scared of what this may make us.





Notes From … Oh Darn It! Lost the Date

31 01 2012

It is for sure, had been and still is, an extraordinary good time at the heart-meter section of my life.

If only I can write it all down, I‘ll surely induce some underlying diabetes somewhere. It may not be an appetizing idea for most but you have to agree, it’s tempting for me. Imagine yourself having to listen to a soul sucking one sided conversation – that, in itself, sucks in all possible level. But I don’t intend to, maybe in the future when I’m feeling evil I can put that into schedule. I’ll send out warnings so you’ll have time to hide.

I have always wondered how I came to decide to keep my mouth shut about it. Perhaps the running success it has brought me keeps me scared of the jinx. This time after a few big leaps from both our side, I guess it’s safe to share.

Last night, for our Christmas Eve dinner, he met my family. I may have had my first appearance at their dinning table last November but it took me more than a month to present him to my bunch. For too long, I have worried myself silly on when the opportune time can be. The decision came simultaneously one car ride home.

I thought to myself, “Hmm, he must be bonkers in love with me”. After thinking things through after a whole lotta convincing, I eventually decided to go bonkers with him as well. So far we’re still in the bin with no plans of ever checking out.

Some may require more stories of how we met and how it all started but for now that’s what I have for you. Right now let’s keep this article to a minimum but I’ll have you know that I am with someone who makes me utterly happy.





Fallible

28 01 2012

I just got back to reading and I must say my first pick is doing great in the reviews department.

Although I’ve just recently finished Of Love and Evil, I find that this can be easily recommended especially if you’re slowly getting your groove back to reading – case in point: me. Or perhaps you’re too darn busy that you can only spare a few pages – case in point: me.

I haven’t the slightest understanding as to how and why I suddenly stopped writing or why I mysteriously stopped reading. Oddly enough, I had the highest “events” for the past 25 months and subjects were never scarse. If anything, I had so much to write about. At the same time I never stopped buying books. I had my regular trips to my local bookstore and picked the one I liked with thoughts such as, “something to accompany me during the rainy days”. But I never got around to reading; I always had an excuse. These two activities or great love, if I should say so myself, are my saviors, my happiness, my therapy and most of all my friend. What constitutes this relationship concludes nothing less of fulfillment and ultimate love.

I would like to allude that this may have been brought up by a sudden turn of events however that would be unfair. Only because a blessing should not hinder such interests. If anything, it should have been bolstered by it. I should be writing and reading more. But no, instead I forgot my compass, suspended everything for tomorrow and slowly became a stranger to a page I use to adore.

I should be institutionalized. As mush as I want to tell myself it was for good reason, I can’t. I should be ashamed of myself, oh wait, I AM ashamed of myself.

Pft!





Uhm Hello. It’s Me.

26 01 2012

I know full well that I’ve been out of loop for ages, I can’t even remember the last time I wrote for my page. But here I am inching myself to atonement.

I will try, you have my word.

With my wedding coming up, trying to lose weight, work and the fiancé, I am nose deep with things things things to do. Let’s see. What happened since I last posted here?

Well, I got a promotion, joined the Canon Photo Marathon, received a lens for a gift, went on several road trips, was proposed to by my then boyfriend, been cooking, shopping less and regretting that I haven’t been reading as much as I want to.

The upside of things is, I’ve picked up Of Love and Evil by Anne Rice a few days back. I don’t intend to write a review but I am happy that I was at least able to run through it without so mush as a hitch. This should determine that I will read one book every month.

Goodness, I really hope I can execute this.





Thinking Of You

7 06 2011

(thoughts from June 7, 2010)

Comparisons are easily done
Once you’ve had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed

You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know

‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes

You’re like an Indian Summer in the middle of winter
Like a hard candy with a surprise center
How do I get better once I’ve had the best?
You said there’s tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
(Taste your mouth)
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into

You’re the best, and yes, I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson’s learned
I touched it, I was burned
Oh, I think you should know!

‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night

(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes
Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes

Oh, won’t you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
‘Cause in your eyes I’d like to stay, stay





Notes from 4-21-10‏

21 04 2011

Dear Lord,

This feeling of being overlooked and having to constantly wait or even beg for attention is something I do not want to live with. It depresses me. You are aware that I’ve been looking for someone to love and I continually hope that he will be someone who will love me in return.

Right now I have J. But I’m not going to pretend that this is the love or relationship I want and need. I’ve been feeling down and he’s a significant reason. I’ve been feeling lost and unwanted since after I slept with him the first time. I can feel deep within me that I am not even in his priority list; I am just some sort of standby to while away his time in case he has nothing to do.

I’ve never felt so alone, hopeless, lonely and wanting in my whole life. I’ve never felt so forsaken and lost. I’ve prayed to you a handful of times, wishing all these pain will go away. So far I haven’t seen the light. I need your help. I need to walk away from him and not need him any longer. I wish to go back to the old me. The me who is not defeated and confident doing things alone.

If you are teaching me a lesson or perhaps preparing me for something greater, thank you, maybe this is a way for me to identify my blessings closely and never take them for granted. But Lord, this I ask with my whole heart and soul, grant what I’ve been praying for. Save me from this desolation.

I don’t want to have to beg for love nor have to hurt for it. I just want to know and own something that’s real, something that won’t break me down but instead raise me up to my full potential. Help me walk away from J and to also forget that I was once in love with him.

I don’t want to keep crying.

***

To J

Know that I really did care,

that I really did love you.

That even when I hardly say it, I missed you to pieces.

That my thoughts were constantly filled with you.

That I wanted us to be real and move past the physical.

Know that I was willing to make sacrifices,

to let you in, even with the baggage.

Know that when I held you in my arms it included my mind and my heart.

But know this too:

You never took good care of me

You were hardly around

And when I sent signals that I needed you, you either ignored it or just never had eyes for signs

You couldn’t bridge the gap, something that was so easy to fix

You made me cry

Made me wait

And when months passed you hardly hid your thawing enthusiasm

You were perpetually away

To put this all in a few words

You’ve hurt me to pieces

And you will never know how well things could have been if you just stayed around and were honest enough.

Bye J, I wish things ran differently. I wish I never fell, I wish you weren’t too fast and I wish I didn’t believe so easily.