Notes from 1-28-2012

Thoughts at 4:14 in the morning.

It is a scary thought. But maybe, these things do have a purpose. Somehow the distance is teaching me a great deal about myself, I am still a whole person regardless of the world’s endeavor to fringe my beliefs to sham. That although I’m a tad lost, I can still stand on my own two feet.

If in case, it goes south I am headed north. A fresh start, a new name, and perhaps a new life. It may be difficult, I know that part can never be avoided, but for sure I can still save a little of myself and grow it into something else. Something that may or may not resemble someone better; I’d just fashion it to what I hope to be. Of all the bad things that have happened in my life, I guess this one shouldn’t brazen me. I should have been broken and lost a long time ago yet, I am here; making good use of myself.

I wish that in the event I decide to do the right thing, I can still look up at the sky, breath in and say thank you. Regardless of the impending hardship and pain, I still wish to appreciate the colors of the sky when the day and night shifts.

I might have been wrong to ask for so much, maybe it was simply right to close my eyes and allow the vast sense of isolation permeate. But the big change has confused me and I am fully aware that if it’s taken away, it would be the hardest most painful thing I will ever experience. Yet a voice at the back of my head is resolved that everything will still be okay. That I have had that ability all along and that I only had to leave and I will be alright.

Somehow amongst all these, I simply wish that I can close my eyes and never open it again. I wish for a sleep that will cure me of this alienation.

Have you ever wished to close your eyes and dream for an eternity? You should, it may just happen and it can be such a treat. Why shouldn’t you take advantage of a world caving in without sleeping through its vast cold embrace?

One really should.

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The Twilight Zone Moment

It’ll be a busy week for me so I’m putting this out of the way as early as now. I don’t want to miss anymore committed weekly article.

After having gone through the customary torture appointement, a.k.a visit to the dermatologist, I am now peeling properly. Something not so appealing to look at. And although I’d like to go on leave in order to heal and avoid scarring people, I can’t. I willed to be at work for the entire week to avoid any problems that may arise while I’m away.

God knows I have enough problems on my plate to last me the whole first quarter.

I should be properly busy and occupied I won’t have any spare time to scribble. So here I am, writing unimportant thoughts.

What are the chances of two people, presumably so in love that they plan to marry, of  fighting three weeks in a row? If you ask me, I can say, very likely.

The first few weeks we were together it was established that we are completely two different individuals with very different principles and disciplines in life. I for one, is headstrong, works hard to earn respect (thus demands to be respected in return), thrifty, deliver what is promised and a lady. The other one is simply – and to avoid using the wrong words – laid back and have had experiences with women who give ladies like me a bad name. He was a case of good carefree boy ending with nasty women.

Tough luck, huh?

With that being said, we worked hard to be together given we’ve identified that we want resolved to be together. A need we both fondly acknowledge and firmly believe. Among the numerous differences we have, we choose to strive and make it work. In the many good days we have shared, I’ve seen that the hard work is paying off. However sometimes, when we forget that we are now adjusting to live as one, two separate headbutting individuals come out.

It brings both of us so much grief and a lot of exchanged words that are, at the end of the day, unnecessary and hurtful. Yet, with the many times we have fought we continually forget that we should not fight over petty things or perhaps just allow the other to sound off their frustrations and not take it the wrong way. All these times, all the kiss and make and up, all the lessons and all the tears has not taught us to stop fighting.

True, it is never healthy not to argue so we should still allow these gaps to come by in order for us to identify if a relationship is worth keeping. But arguing for three straight weeks is dangerous.

I am confident that we’ll be able to fare the storm, it’s only a matter of time before we go running in each other’s arms. What I do not like is the power of deadening fights. If we continue to be like this, fights will become a normal routine, so normal that instaed of sitting down and talking we just proceed to argue. That instead of facing challenges in a civilized way, we’ll just go for all out war.

I’ve never been a fan of couple fighting in public, or hearing my neighbors domestic issues. So I for one is scared of what this may make us.

Notes From … Oh Darn It! Lost the Date

It is for sure, had been and still is, an extraordinary good time at the heart-meter section of my life.

If only I can write it all down, I‘ll surely induce some underlying diabetes somewhere. It may not be an appetizing idea for most but you have to agree, it’s tempting for me. Imagine yourself having to listen to a soul sucking one sided conversation – that, in itself, sucks in all possible level. But I don’t intend to, maybe in the future when I’m feeling evil I can put that into schedule. I’ll send out warnings so you’ll have time to hide.

I have always wondered how I came to decide to keep my mouth shut about it. Perhaps the running success it has brought me keeps me scared of the jinx. This time after a few big leaps from both our side, I guess it’s safe to share.

Last night, for our Christmas Eve dinner, he met my family. I may have had my first appearance at their dinning table last November but it took me more than a month to present him to my bunch. For too long, I have worried myself silly on when the opportune time can be. The decision came simultaneously one car ride home.

I thought to myself, “Hmm, he must be bonkers in love with me”. After thinking things through after a whole lotta convincing, I eventually decided to go bonkers with him as well. So far we’re still in the bin with no plans of ever checking out.

Some may require more stories of how we met and how it all started but for now that’s what I have for you. Right now let’s keep this article to a minimum but I’ll have you know that I am with someone who makes me utterly happy.

Fallible

I just got back to reading and I must say my first pick is doing great in the reviews department.

Although I’ve just recently finished Of Love and Evil, I find that this can be easily recommended especially if you’re slowly getting your groove back to reading – case in point: me. Or perhaps you’re too darn busy that you can only spare a few pages – case in point: me.

I haven’t the slightest understanding as to how and why I suddenly stopped writing or why I mysteriously stopped reading. Oddly enough, I had the highest “events” for the past 25 months and subjects were never scarse. If anything, I had so much to write about. At the same time I never stopped buying books. I had my regular trips to my local bookstore and picked the one I liked with thoughts such as, “something to accompany me during the rainy days”. But I never got around to reading; I always had an excuse. These two activities or great love, if I should say so myself, are my saviors, my happiness, my therapy and most of all my friend. What constitutes this relationship concludes nothing less of fulfillment and ultimate love.

I would like to allude that this may have been brought up by a sudden turn of events however that would be unfair. Only because a blessing should not hinder such interests. If anything, it should have been bolstered by it. I should be writing and reading more. But no, instead I forgot my compass, suspended everything for tomorrow and slowly became a stranger to a page I use to adore.

I should be institutionalized. As mush as I want to tell myself it was for good reason, I can’t. I should be ashamed of myself, oh wait, I AM ashamed of myself.

Pft!