Notes From 2-6-2012

How can I ever tell you?

How will I start?

I’m afraid of the responsibility.

I’m afraid of the enormous obligation it will ask of me.

I’m afraid to fail.

I’m afraid that we might be making a mistake.

I’ve never been so unsure.

What if this is all a mistake?

What if we’re misunderstanding things?

I’m so scared.

I don’t want to lose.

I’m so confused.

What if we’re wrong?

What am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to say?

I want to be with you but …

I’m having cold feet.

Is getting married really the right thing to do now?

I’ve stopped putting the wedding together because every time I move forward something tells me that I need to stop. To stop and think if this is what I really want.

Oh God, what have I gotten myself into?

I’m so scared. we’ve been fighting for three weeks now and maybe, just maybe I’ve induced those fights because of all these bad thoughts.

How is this possible? After all the kindness and love you’ve shown me.

Why am I so scared?

Oh God, I don’t know anymore.

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Notes from 5-2-2010

I’ve been bobbing in and out of consciousness for more than I care to admit. I’ve been mostly like a zombie, running errands, meeting deadlines and delivering my intended output. Apart from that, I haven’t really lived.

No fire. No light.

What I’m trying to say is quality. The kind that does not numb you from your inner self. The kind that will not rob you of choice. The kind that will let you say, “I’m off to bed, if I don’t wake up, that’s fine. I’ve lived”

***

I’m not attracted to drama. I need to survive and too much of that is comparable to slitting my wrist.

I’m all about self preservation. But have you ever been stuck, confused, helpless and utterly lost. That’s where I am at right now.

And don’t call me Emo, if you know what’s good for you.

***

Good news, bad news. I’m bored out of my skull and a relationship issue is brewing – thus a time off is needed.

Since everyone is busy – including you — I am headed to the mountains myself. Don’t worry, this is not the first time I ran off with me. I’m a backpacker. And we can be stubborn when we feel the need to leave … and leave I will, with or without cpmpany.

So before packing my bag, I had to run all my errands and endorse work items. Then tickets. Bought a round trip, called for a room reservation, then wrote on a piece of paper my very short itinerary.

When I get back, I’ll be appropriately tired. Too tired I won’t have time to entertain death by boredom.

Stupid boredom – oh well at least I’m paid lounging around. How many of you can say the same? LOL, I thought so.

Ay Caramba!

I am forming a cornucopia in my face. Darnit!

With a measurable work load, wedding plans, writing and keeping a relationship (the last one is actually no work at all, yey!) zits are breaking out like there’s no tomorrow. And while my prowess in balancing work and life is obvious, I’m failing oh so miserably in the zit department. Or should I say the zit department is winning by leaps.

I was told that with the amount of things required of me and the very little time I have to relax, it’s directly affecting my skin. By staying ahead of my tasks, my body’s responding by staying put in its decision to breakout. Right now the only solution I see is visiting my dermatologist, something that will cause me a lot of grief because, one it’s expensive and two, it hurts like (expletive deleted).

After the visit, I would also have to suffer the customary peeling and looking disconnected – smiling would hurt. By this time I’d be full of indignation, getting in my way would be a bad idea. While visiting the dermatologist can fix my zit issues faster than you can say Shazam! it isn’t so easy when you walk around red-faced and peeling. Note that this is a five to seven days quasi-torture.

The world may be ambivalent to these afflictions but hell, the voice at the back of my head won’t let up until the last redness disappears.

I clock countless hours to keep a (good and happy) life, but I feel like my zits have been so inert (you’re supposed to be gone by now, I’m pass my teen years!) it is attempting to trash all that.

I can’t believe my zits are as stubborn as I am.

Uhm Hello. It’s Me.

I know full well that I’ve been out of loop for ages, I can’t even remember the last time I wrote for my page. But here I am inching myself to atonement.

I will try, you have my word.

With my wedding coming up, trying to lose weight, work and the fiancé, I am nose deep with things things things to do. Let’s see. What happened since I last posted here?

Well, I got a promotion, joined the Canon Photo Marathon, received a lens for a gift, went on several road trips, was proposed to by my then boyfriend, been cooking, shopping less and regretting that I haven’t been reading as much as I want to.

The upside of things is, I’ve picked up Of Love and Evil by Anne Rice a few days back. I don’t intend to write a review but I am happy that I was at least able to run through it without so mush as a hitch. This should determine that I will read one book every month.

Goodness, I really hope I can execute this.

Notes from 4-21-10‏

Dear Lord,

This feeling of being overlooked and having to constantly wait or even beg for attention is something I do not want to live with. It depresses me. You are aware that I’ve been looking for someone to love and I continually hope that he will be someone who will love me in return.

Right now I have J. But I’m not going to pretend that this is the love or relationship I want and need. I’ve been feeling down and he’s a significant reason. I’ve been feeling lost and unwanted since after I slept with him the first time. I can feel deep within me that I am not even in his priority list; I am just some sort of standby to while away his time in case he has nothing to do.

I’ve never felt so alone, hopeless, lonely and wanting in my whole life. I’ve never felt so forsaken and lost. I’ve prayed to you a handful of times, wishing all these pain will go away. So far I haven’t seen the light. I need your help. I need to walk away from him and not need him any longer. I wish to go back to the old me. The me who is not defeated and confident doing things alone.

If you are teaching me a lesson or perhaps preparing me for something greater, thank you, maybe this is a way for me to identify my blessings closely and never take them for granted. But Lord, this I ask with my whole heart and soul, grant what I’ve been praying for. Save me from this desolation.

I don’t want to have to beg for love nor have to hurt for it. I just want to know and own something that’s real, something that won’t break me down but instead raise me up to my full potential. Help me walk away from J and to also forget that I was once in love with him.

I don’t want to keep crying.

***

To J

Know that I really did care,

that I really did love you.

That even when I hardly say it, I missed you to pieces.

That my thoughts were constantly filled with you.

That I wanted us to be real and move past the physical.

Know that I was willing to make sacrifices,

to let you in, even with the baggage.

Know that when I held you in my arms it included my mind and my heart.

But know this too:

You never took good care of me

You were hardly around

And when I sent signals that I needed you, you either ignored it or just never had eyes for signs

You couldn’t bridge the gap, something that was so easy to fix

You made me cry

Made me wait

And when months passed you hardly hid your thawing enthusiasm

You were perpetually away

To put this all in a few words

You’ve hurt me to pieces

And you will never know how well things could have been if you just stayed around and were honest enough.

Bye J, I wish things ran differently. I wish I never fell, I wish you weren’t too fast and I wish I didn’t believe so easily.