Notes From 2-6-2012

How can I ever tell you?

How will I start?

I’m afraid of the responsibility.

I’m afraid of the enormous obligation it will ask of me.

I’m afraid to fail.

I’m afraid that we might be making a mistake.

I’ve never been so unsure.

What if this is all a mistake?

What if we’re misunderstanding things?

I’m so scared.

I don’t want to lose.

I’m so confused.

What if we’re wrong?

What am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to say?

I want to be with you but …

I’m having cold feet.

Is getting married really the right thing to do now?

I’ve stopped putting the wedding together because every time I move forward something tells me that I need to stop. To stop and think if this is what I really want.

Oh God, what have I gotten myself into?

I’m so scared. we’ve been fighting for three weeks now and maybe, just maybe I’ve induced those fights because of all these bad thoughts.

How is this possible? After all the kindness and love you’ve shown me.

Why am I so scared?

Oh God, I don’t know anymore.

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Notes from 5-2-2010

I’ve been bobbing in and out of consciousness for more than I care to admit. I’ve been mostly like a zombie, running errands, meeting deadlines and delivering my intended output. Apart from that, I haven’t really lived.

No fire. No light.

What I’m trying to say is quality. The kind that does not numb you from your inner self. The kind that will not rob you of choice. The kind that will let you say, “I’m off to bed, if I don’t wake up, that’s fine. I’ve lived”

***

I’m not attracted to drama. I need to survive and too much of that is comparable to slitting my wrist.

I’m all about self preservation. But have you ever been stuck, confused, helpless and utterly lost. That’s where I am at right now.

And don’t call me Emo, if you know what’s good for you.

***

Good news, bad news. I’m bored out of my skull and a relationship issue is brewing – thus a time off is needed.

Since everyone is busy – including you — I am headed to the mountains myself. Don’t worry, this is not the first time I ran off with me. I’m a backpacker. And we can be stubborn when we feel the need to leave … and leave I will, with or without cpmpany.

So before packing my bag, I had to run all my errands and endorse work items. Then tickets. Bought a round trip, called for a room reservation, then wrote on a piece of paper my very short itinerary.

When I get back, I’ll be appropriately tired. Too tired I won’t have time to entertain death by boredom.

Stupid boredom – oh well at least I’m paid lounging around. How many of you can say the same? LOL, I thought so.

Woops!

And ten days later, here we are, still struggling to run a regular beat for this page.

Why in the world is time so darn expensive?

One of these days I’m going to find time again. As soon as I am done with all the urgents, the deadlines and the must dos, I will write something a little more decent here.

But just so you are aware, I am crushing on Andrew Garfield. Drool.

When You Say Trenta, It Means 30. Right?

Are your ready foooooor …

The Trentaaaaaa!!!?

There was an audible toot when this was launched and although it has not entered my side of the globe, people are nonetheless stoked. Some may want to attempt not to keel over in undertaking its deep tub and some may just want to gawk.

And gawk, I shall do.

If and only if, I buy an SB Trenta it will only mean I am off to share it with someone. Make that 3 someone’s. Just the thought of it makes me want to formulate a way to not eat in three straight months. Until I can find it safe (that I won’t suddenly turn to a 350 lbs lady) I’ll live off the remnants of it’s ridiculous un-nutritional content.

Call me anti-hipster, prude or even anti-social (I think people socialize via coffee nowadays) I don’t give a hoot nanny’s. The only time I can assure myself that I will enjoy my coffee is if I stay below Grande. Anything over would mean a feat to overcome. A great coffee bender of epic proportion.

Ugh! No fun.

Notes from 1-28-2012

Thoughts at 4:14 in the morning.

It is a scary thought. But maybe, these things do have a purpose. Somehow the distance is teaching me a great deal about myself, I am still a whole person regardless of the world’s endeavor to fringe my beliefs to sham. That although I’m a tad lost, I can still stand on my own two feet.

If in case, it goes south I am headed north. A fresh start, a new name, and perhaps a new life. It may be difficult, I know that part can never be avoided, but for sure I can still save a little of myself and grow it into something else. Something that may or may not resemble someone better; I’d just fashion it to what I hope to be. Of all the bad things that have happened in my life, I guess this one shouldn’t brazen me. I should have been broken and lost a long time ago yet, I am here; making good use of myself.

I wish that in the event I decide to do the right thing, I can still look up at the sky, breath in and say thank you. Regardless of the impending hardship and pain, I still wish to appreciate the colors of the sky when the day and night shifts.

I might have been wrong to ask for so much, maybe it was simply right to close my eyes and allow the vast sense of isolation permeate. But the big change has confused me and I am fully aware that if it’s taken away, it would be the hardest most painful thing I will ever experience. Yet a voice at the back of my head is resolved that everything will still be okay. That I have had that ability all along and that I only had to leave and I will be alright.

Somehow amongst all these, I simply wish that I can close my eyes and never open it again. I wish for a sleep that will cure me of this alienation.

Have you ever wished to close your eyes and dream for an eternity? You should, it may just happen and it can be such a treat. Why shouldn’t you take advantage of a world caving in without sleeping through its vast cold embrace?

One really should.