In a few hours I’ll be seeing Ayie and Ibim.
Although I’ve been awake for hours (and have been sleeping for hours prior) I still feel like I’ve just gone from events that happened from two Fridays ago. I still have more to say and I remember placing “to be continued” in my last letter, but I’ve had enough. Work is disappointingly not what it had promised to be and people’s gargantuan indiscretion is at a point wherein it both can’t be undone.
My relationship still proves to be a challenge. I now know that the man I am with loves his freedom. You are aware that I want to pour myself to him fiercely but now I realize that the voice/ fear at the back of my head is actually my survival instinct. I had reasons to fear and him not being around this weekend is proof enough.
I think growing up, I was the one who had too much drama amongst us three. And I hate that even until now I managed my life to be just as dramatic (or dull, whichever you prefer). This is not my intention, I wish to be a happy girl. I know that the next day always come. Life continues … and perhaps one day the road will rise my way. I still have that faith, it has always been strong in me.
My plan is simple: Keep going and when happiness is present, such the marrow out of it.
I wish to see the beach with you, Ayie and Ibim.
It’s mom’s birthday this Tuesday. I don’t have any plans in mind other than bringing home a cake, some nice take outs and perhaps a birthday card.
I’m stepping out of this relationship. I’m sorry.
I think it’s unfair for the both of us and we’ve dragged this way too long. It’s unfair to you because you deserve someone more understanding, tolerant and won’t go passive aggressive when she is disappointed. It’s been unfair to me too because I need someone who is close and would find as much time to be around me even if it’s difficult – heaven knows I’d do the same.
We have so much love to give but the condition we are in right now is not conducive for it to grow. I won’t deny that there had been many times that I felt neglected. It beats me down more than you will ever know. You’ve been very kind to me and at times would gladly carry the burden of being the relaxed and tolerant boyfriend. But my liberal mind has been struggling, the distance and the very little time is harsh. It’s not how I want my relationship to run. I want a constantly visible boyfriend.
I’d like to stop right now while I still care for you. At least us parting while we’re both ahead of the game will leave us something nice to think of if we look back. If I drag this a little longer until I just fall to bitterness then I might forget the handful of good times we shared.
Know that I really did care for you but because we can’t change the level of commitment we put in this relationship, we are better off apart.
I will miss you dearly.
Thoughts while stuck in traffic:
I’m just as petrified as you are with what we may or may not achieve by hanging around each others lives. But heck, we only live ones so I’m allowing it to snowball to where ever direction it may go.
Thank you for being my first and last message of the day. Thank you for believing in me and letting me hear it everyday. For the many times you’ve shown how much you care and the many times you let me know… How exactly can I equal you?
Maybe, for the meantime, things are meant to be undefined. You may see it differently but I’m sure in the long run you will understand. We can always define and put a name on it if we’re far from work. Funny, the one thing that brought us togther has now become a barrier. Trust that it will be more condusive for both our careers. Sooner or later, surely we will be what you want us to be, but right now let’s play safe. No one needs to know and this relationship only has to have two characters: you and me. Having an audience with the likes of our co-workers is really never helpful.
I love the attention and I love that you never seem to tire. Know that all your efforts won’t go unnoticed and I care too.
See you later.
You would have been 51 today but instead you got stuck at 43. Well, let’s just count life’s ability to be kind, at least I’ll always remember you to be young.
It’s been so long and the smell of your perfume is now gone. It lingered the first few months but as people come and go and as we moved around, your Carolina Herrera scent drifted away too. It hasn’t stopped me from remembering vivid memories of you. The very elegant way you dress up even when it’s just work, your frantic ability to cook up a storm and your towering height that imposes and protects. And your discipline Pa, the way you want things to be and your stern ability to hammer it on us – that I can’t forget.
No one has cooked up a storm for years (I’ve been trying but to no avail, I can’t copy your caldereta), no male at home has dressed so elegantly – your son, unfortunately needs tutoring, and no one has towered on anyone given our heights are close to one another. But I want you to know that I gave discipline a try. I try to run the house as much as I can. Mom approaches me for advice and I’m proud to say she (occasionally) listens.
Things have significantly changed. Without you, we’ve led it in ways we think and feel is right. I’m not sure if you’ll agree, in case you get to see us, but know that we are trying our best.
On your birthday, I’m preparing a simple feast. Nothing like your grand celebrations; that includes a party that invites almost everyone that you’ve ever known. Yet it will be for you, for the good memories, for a gesture that says you are still a part of us and a memoir that speaks loudly of how much you are missed. I would have given you a card and a bauble fit for a dad but I don’t know where to send it.
Happy 51st birthday!
Come closer, I’ll tell you a secret.
And after I have done so, I am sure a handful of strangers, friends and acquaintance will pester me about it. I might be bound for shame. And maybe I will look back to this day, wanting to kick myself. It’s not the first time that will happen. But before I open my mouth, I have to ask you a favour. Which I am sure some of you will break and some will gladly comply… I really don’t care. I mean no care for those with loose tongues. Hell will find them eventually.
But please, try not to go telling.
I wrote him a letter:
I’ve been looking at you secretly. I would chance a glimpse from time to time and would wish that you were looking too.
And in those many instance I’d sneak for a look, I’d catch you looking too. Why is that? Is there something you wanted to tell me? Are you shy to do something about it? When our eyes meet, I’d look away as fast as soon as our sights touch. I’ll let my hair curtain my face and I’d secretly show a smile. A giggle rises in my head when that happens. I’ll be honest, I like the way you look at me. I like that your eyes would embrace me. I like that you do this secretly. And the way you look away once you’re caught simply intrigues me.
Remember when I first had my bad day with you around? I wonder how you found out. I was so discreet but you seem to be so observant. I thought my hair hid my face. Did it not? I’m sure it did. But how did you see me get upset? Are you secretly watching me the same way I’m watching you? I’m sure you are.
Let’s stop this “you watching me, me watching you” tango. Take the first step and I will have that walk with you. I think it’s time we stop lingering in these dire situations. Never think you’re inadequate for me, trust me you are far from that.
I want you, too.
Please don’t go telling now. Have him make that move.