Notes From 2-6-2012

6 02 2013

How can I ever tell you?

How will I start?

I’m afraid of the responsibility.

I’m afraid of the enormous obligation it will ask of me.

I’m afraid to fail.

I’m afraid that we might be making a mistake.

I’ve never been so unsure.

What if this is all a mistake?

What if we’re misunderstanding things?

I’m so scared.

I don’t want to lose.

I’m so confused.

What if we’re wrong?

What am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to say?

I want to be with you but …

I’m having cold feet.

Is getting married really the right thing to do now?

I’ve stopped putting the wedding together because every time I move forward something tells me that I need to stop. To stop and think if this is what I really want.

Oh God, what have I gotten myself into?

I’m so scared. we’ve been fighting for three weeks now and maybe, just maybe I’ve induced those fights because of all these bad thoughts.

How is this possible? After all the kindness and love you’ve shown me.

Why am I so scared?

Oh God, I don’t know anymore.

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Safe Haven

15 02 2012

       “She was in a terrible marriage and she couldn’t talk to anyone. He used to hit her, and in the beginning she told him that if it ever happened again, she would leave him. He swore that it wouldn’t and she believed him. But it only got worse after that, like when his dinner was cold, or when she mentioned that she’d visited with one of the neighbors who was walking by with his dog. She just chatted with him, but that night, her husband threw her into a mirror.”

If it makes you feel any better … with a little training and a dash of imagination, you must know, you can write too. However don’t start your training by reading these materials.

Sorry. His writing just doesn’t float my boat.

Rating:





For The First Time

9 02 2012




The Twilight Zone Moment

7 02 2012

It’ll be a busy week for me so I’m putting this out of the way as early as now. I don’t want to miss anymore committed weekly article.

After having gone through the customary torture appointement, a.k.a visit to the dermatologist, I am now peeling properly. Something not so appealing to look at. And although I’d like to go on leave in order to heal and avoid scarring people, I can’t. I willed to be at work for the entire week to avoid any problems that may arise while I’m away.

God knows I have enough problems on my plate to last me the whole first quarter.

I should be properly busy and occupied I won’t have any spare time to scribble. So here I am, writing unimportant thoughts.

What are the chances of two people, presumably so in love that they plan to marry, of  fighting three weeks in a row? If you ask me, I can say, very likely.

The first few weeks we were together it was established that we are completely two different individuals with very different principles and disciplines in life. I for one, is headstrong, works hard to earn respect (thus demands to be respected in return), thrifty, deliver what is promised and a lady. The other one is simply – and to avoid using the wrong words – laid back and have had experiences with women who give ladies like me a bad name. He was a case of good carefree boy ending with nasty women.

Tough luck, huh?

With that being said, we worked hard to be together given we’ve identified that we want resolved to be together. A need we both fondly acknowledge and firmly believe. Among the numerous differences we have, we choose to strive and make it work. In the many good days we have shared, I’ve seen that the hard work is paying off. However sometimes, when we forget that we are now adjusting to live as one, two separate headbutting individuals come out.

It brings both of us so much grief and a lot of exchanged words that are, at the end of the day, unnecessary and hurtful. Yet, with the many times we have fought we continually forget that we should not fight over petty things or perhaps just allow the other to sound off their frustrations and not take it the wrong way. All these times, all the kiss and make and up, all the lessons and all the tears has not taught us to stop fighting.

True, it is never healthy not to argue so we should still allow these gaps to come by in order for us to identify if a relationship is worth keeping. But arguing for three straight weeks is dangerous.

I am confident that we’ll be able to fare the storm, it’s only a matter of time before we go running in each other’s arms. What I do not like is the power of deadening fights. If we continue to be like this, fights will become a normal routine, so normal that instaed of sitting down and talking we just proceed to argue. That instead of facing challenges in a civilized way, we’ll just go for all out war.

I’ve never been a fan of couple fighting in public, or hearing my neighbors domestic issues. So I for one is scared of what this may make us.





Thinking Of You

7 06 2011

(thoughts from June 7, 2010)

Comparisons are easily done
Once you’ve had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed

You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know

‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes

You’re like an Indian Summer in the middle of winter
Like a hard candy with a surprise center
How do I get better once I’ve had the best?
You said there’s tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
(Taste your mouth)
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into

You’re the best, and yes, I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson’s learned
I touched it, I was burned
Oh, I think you should know!

‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night

(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes
Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes

Oh, won’t you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
‘Cause in your eyes I’d like to stay, stay





Notes from 4-21-10‏

21 04 2011

Dear Lord,

This feeling of being overlooked and having to constantly wait or even beg for attention is something I do not want to live with. It depresses me. You are aware that I’ve been looking for someone to love and I continually hope that he will be someone who will love me in return.

Right now I have J. But I’m not going to pretend that this is the love or relationship I want and need. I’ve been feeling down and he’s a significant reason. I’ve been feeling lost and unwanted since after I slept with him the first time. I can feel deep within me that I am not even in his priority list; I am just some sort of standby to while away his time in case he has nothing to do.

I’ve never felt so alone, hopeless, lonely and wanting in my whole life. I’ve never felt so forsaken and lost. I’ve prayed to you a handful of times, wishing all these pain will go away. So far I haven’t seen the light. I need your help. I need to walk away from him and not need him any longer. I wish to go back to the old me. The me who is not defeated and confident doing things alone.

If you are teaching me a lesson or perhaps preparing me for something greater, thank you, maybe this is a way for me to identify my blessings closely and never take them for granted. But Lord, this I ask with my whole heart and soul, grant what I’ve been praying for. Save me from this desolation.

I don’t want to have to beg for love nor have to hurt for it. I just want to know and own something that’s real, something that won’t break me down but instead raise me up to my full potential. Help me walk away from J and to also forget that I was once in love with him.

I don’t want to keep crying.

***

To J

Know that I really did care,

that I really did love you.

That even when I hardly say it, I missed you to pieces.

That my thoughts were constantly filled with you.

That I wanted us to be real and move past the physical.

Know that I was willing to make sacrifices,

to let you in, even with the baggage.

Know that when I held you in my arms it included my mind and my heart.

But know this too:

You never took good care of me

You were hardly around

And when I sent signals that I needed you, you either ignored it or just never had eyes for signs

You couldn’t bridge the gap, something that was so easy to fix

You made me cry

Made me wait

And when months passed you hardly hid your thawing enthusiasm

You were perpetually away

To put this all in a few words

You’ve hurt me to pieces

And you will never know how well things could have been if you just stayed around and were honest enough.

Bye J, I wish things ran differently. I wish I never fell, I wish you weren’t too fast and I wish I didn’t believe so easily.





Notes from 4-20-2010‏

20 04 2011

This too…

I may not see the end of the heat, or may not feel good both physically (stupid asthma) and emotionally (I need to grow up) but I’ve faith that these will come to pass.

That I can walk with a hop again, that I can welcome the weather without so much as a curse, that I won’t have to keep nursing my weak lungs and I will again let people in without second guessing their intentions.

Indeed, this too shall pass. And perhaps I can for a second time, be the old me again. The ‘Me’ that never hesitates to find my place under the sun, without thinking of the gloom of having to do things alone, in short just the carefree me. The ‘Me’ that can go out to the world without having to think of my bruised confidence.

I miss the old me: The one who’s not burned, the one who’s not lied to, the one who’s not scared, the one who doesn’t sit on stand-by hoping for attention and the strong self-content me.

I can find her again, if I look hard enough. If I dust myself off. If I believe enough that this will not only pass but I will get what I’ve been hoping for. What I deserve.

But I need to take courage and trust all the signs set specially for me. That there are things, people and events that I have to walk away from – that I need to let go. It will hurt like hell, that’s for sure, but until I do that, deep within me, I know I will never get better.

I will struggle to get back the old me. If it’s the last thing I do.

Faith find me. Courage my beating heart.