Notes from 4-21-10‏

21 04 2011

Dear Lord,

This feeling of being overlooked and having to constantly wait or even beg for attention is something I do not want to live with. It depresses me. You are aware that I’ve been looking for someone to love and I continually hope that he will be someone who will love me in return.

Right now I have J. But I’m not going to pretend that this is the love or relationship I want and need. I’ve been feeling down and he’s a significant reason. I’ve been feeling lost and unwanted since after I slept with him the first time. I can feel deep within me that I am not even in his priority list; I am just some sort of standby to while away his time in case he has nothing to do.

I’ve never felt so alone, hopeless, lonely and wanting in my whole life. I’ve never felt so forsaken and lost. I’ve prayed to you a handful of times, wishing all these pain will go away. So far I haven’t seen the light. I need your help. I need to walk away from him and not need him any longer. I wish to go back to the old me. The me who is not defeated and confident doing things alone.

If you are teaching me a lesson or perhaps preparing me for something greater, thank you, maybe this is a way for me to identify my blessings closely and never take them for granted. But Lord, this I ask with my whole heart and soul, grant what I’ve been praying for. Save me from this desolation.

I don’t want to have to beg for love nor have to hurt for it. I just want to know and own something that’s real, something that won’t break me down but instead raise me up to my full potential. Help me walk away from J and to also forget that I was once in love with him.

I don’t want to keep crying.

***

To J

Know that I really did care,

that I really did love you.

That even when I hardly say it, I missed you to pieces.

That my thoughts were constantly filled with you.

That I wanted us to be real and move past the physical.

Know that I was willing to make sacrifices,

to let you in, even with the baggage.

Know that when I held you in my arms it included my mind and my heart.

But know this too:

You never took good care of me

You were hardly around

And when I sent signals that I needed you, you either ignored it or just never had eyes for signs

You couldn’t bridge the gap, something that was so easy to fix

You made me cry

Made me wait

And when months passed you hardly hid your thawing enthusiasm

You were perpetually away

To put this all in a few words

You’ve hurt me to pieces

And you will never know how well things could have been if you just stayed around and were honest enough.

Bye J, I wish things ran differently. I wish I never fell, I wish you weren’t too fast and I wish I didn’t believe so easily.

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