Notes from 4-11-10

I don’t know any other way to be than miss him. This is what I have in me and this is what he is to me.

In the scheme of things the world knows that this isn’t how I wanted things to be. I want him to be around more, to call often, to send messages often and to IM me more often … but we both know that’s not the case. That I’ve been waiting more often than not. I don’t know exactly what was so good about it  that  I’m sticking around, but do I really want to get into that discussion?

But I swear I am not writing the nice things off. He’s not a bad person, he just needs to sort things out.

I chose to be with him not for anyone else but me. I hang around in the hopes that things will change and to get as much happiness as I can juice it for.  I am aware that sticking around don’t necessarily mean it will shape things the way I want it, but I am aware I can hang around for drops of romance or perhaps life. Right now it’s the finding that’s most important for me; the journey to sift through the bad to get to the good. I agree that the risk is high and I am very much prone to simply putting myself into utter pain, but isn’t that what life is made of?

I am sure you are asking by now, what good would that have done for you? It’s the thought that I haven’t stopped fighting and looking for happiness, that’s the good it brings.

Yes, I shouldn’t have to hurt to find my place under the sun but we all know life is not a fairy tale. And if you don’t find value in that, it’s not my problem your understanding is limited.


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