Notes from 4-21-10‏

21 04 2011

Dear Lord,

This feeling of being overlooked and having to constantly wait or even beg for attention is something I do not want to live with. It depresses me. You are aware that I’ve been looking for someone to love and I continually hope that he will be someone who will love me in return.

Right now I have J. But I’m not going to pretend that this is the love or relationship I want and need. I’ve been feeling down and he’s a significant reason. I’ve been feeling lost and unwanted since after I slept with him the first time. I can feel deep within me that I am not even in his priority list; I am just some sort of standby to while away his time in case he has nothing to do.

I’ve never felt so alone, hopeless, lonely and wanting in my whole life. I’ve never felt so forsaken and lost. I’ve prayed to you a handful of times, wishing all these pain will go away. So far I haven’t seen the light. I need your help. I need to walk away from him and not need him any longer. I wish to go back to the old me. The me who is not defeated and confident doing things alone.

If you are teaching me a lesson or perhaps preparing me for something greater, thank you, maybe this is a way for me to identify my blessings closely and never take them for granted. But Lord, this I ask with my whole heart and soul, grant what I’ve been praying for. Save me from this desolation.

I don’t want to have to beg for love nor have to hurt for it. I just want to know and own something that’s real, something that won’t break me down but instead raise me up to my full potential. Help me walk away from J and to also forget that I was once in love with him.

I don’t want to keep crying.

***

To J

Know that I really did care,

that I really did love you.

That even when I hardly say it, I missed you to pieces.

That my thoughts were constantly filled with you.

That I wanted us to be real and move past the physical.

Know that I was willing to make sacrifices,

to let you in, even with the baggage.

Know that when I held you in my arms it included my mind and my heart.

But know this too:

You never took good care of me

You were hardly around

And when I sent signals that I needed you, you either ignored it or just never had eyes for signs

You couldn’t bridge the gap, something that was so easy to fix

You made me cry

Made me wait

And when months passed you hardly hid your thawing enthusiasm

You were perpetually away

To put this all in a few words

You’ve hurt me to pieces

And you will never know how well things could have been if you just stayed around and were honest enough.

Bye J, I wish things ran differently. I wish I never fell, I wish you weren’t too fast and I wish I didn’t believe so easily.

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Notes from 4-20-2010‏

20 04 2011

This too…

I may not see the end of the heat, or may not feel good both physically (stupid asthma) and emotionally (I need to grow up) but I’ve faith that these will come to pass.

That I can walk with a hop again, that I can welcome the weather without so much as a curse, that I won’t have to keep nursing my weak lungs and I will again let people in without second guessing their intentions.

Indeed, this too shall pass. And perhaps I can for a second time, be the old me again. The ‘Me’ that never hesitates to find my place under the sun, without thinking of the gloom of having to do things alone, in short just the carefree me. The ‘Me’ that can go out to the world without having to think of my bruised confidence.

I miss the old me: The one who’s not burned, the one who’s not lied to, the one who’s not scared, the one who doesn’t sit on stand-by hoping for attention and the strong self-content me.

I can find her again, if I look hard enough. If I dust myself off. If I believe enough that this will not only pass but I will get what I’ve been hoping for. What I deserve.

But I need to take courage and trust all the signs set specially for me. That there are things, people and events that I have to walk away from – that I need to let go. It will hurt like hell, that’s for sure, but until I do that, deep within me, I know I will never get better.

I will struggle to get back the old me. If it’s the last thing I do.

Faith find me. Courage my beating heart.





Almost Lover

19 04 2011

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand
and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never let forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do





Notes from 4-15-2010

15 04 2011

I haven’t talked to you for two days; missing our month-sary. Truth be told, even if I miss you to pieces, I made a decision to stay away.

I don’t know what your intentions are J, your signals have been so crazy. One minute you’re into this relationship and with a blink of an eye, you go cold. It’s not difficult to decipher, you’re enthusiasm has gone out the door and you’ve been doing a good job making me feel unimportant. So now I ask myself, is this the kind of person I want to include in my life? Would I want to spend my waking hours far from him and constantly overlooked?

I deserve more than this, because I know I have so much to give. It’s hard enough to keep this new relationship afloat without you putting me on the sidelines. So why are you being careless? Interpreting the chain of events, I feel with so much intensity that there is someone else. Am I right?

I don’t know what to do. So I have all these raised to the Heavens in the hopes that I will be  taken to where I should be.

Yet it doesn’t change a thing, I miss you to pieces.





Notes from 4-11-10

11 04 2011

I don’t know any other way to be than miss him. This is what I have in me and this is what he is to me.

In the scheme of things the world knows that this isn’t how I wanted things to be. I want him to be around more, to call often, to send messages often and to IM me more often … but we both know that’s not the case. That I’ve been waiting more often than not. I don’t know exactly what was so good about it  that  I’m sticking around, but do I really want to get into that discussion?

But I swear I am not writing the nice things off. He’s not a bad person, he just needs to sort things out.

I chose to be with him not for anyone else but me. I hang around in the hopes that things will change and to get as much happiness as I can juice it for.  I am aware that sticking around don’t necessarily mean it will shape things the way I want it, but I am aware I can hang around for drops of romance or perhaps life. Right now it’s the finding that’s most important for me; the journey to sift through the bad to get to the good. I agree that the risk is high and I am very much prone to simply putting myself into utter pain, but isn’t that what life is made of?

I am sure you are asking by now, what good would that have done for you? It’s the thought that I haven’t stopped fighting and looking for happiness, that’s the good it brings.

Yes, I shouldn’t have to hurt to find my place under the sun but we all know life is not a fairy tale. And if you don’t find value in that, it’s not my problem your understanding is limited.





Notes from 4-3-10

3 04 2011

I was reading when you approached me to my right, just silently stood there and waited for me to look up.  So  I looked,  and in an instant all the heartaches, all the headaches I got from you for the past month just vanished.

I miss you so much. We kissed – the kind that won’t let the public blush but it was nonetheless delightfully sweet. No worries, the kind we want will come in later.

You were late but I didn’t mind; errands, a bit of book hunting, shoe shopping (I need flats) and a few minutes to freshen up fixed that.

You took my hand and we walked companionably to our lunch. We sat closely and enjoyed waiting on each other – me pleasurably feeding you tutta carne, putting pasta and fritto on your plate and you getting me my condiments, juice and reminding me to eat more. I love looking after you. It’s such bliss being this close and memorizing your face.

We talked a lot. But I think you talked more and I basically just eagerly stared. I love it when you crack jokes, I love it when you tell me every random bits about you. I wanted to lock us in that moment: An occasion that fixed everything in my life, an event I want to live over and over again. A point in time that reminds me what happiness can really feel.

After lunch, we walked for a while. Then took a cab so we can spend the rest of the day just alone together.

I know I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t break off. My strength failed me and it was terribly beautiful to feel. Every single second kept telling me that even that moment still never seem to be enough. I never seem to have enough of you and you never seem to have enough of me.

Again, what followed, I love with every fibre of my being. Watching and listening to you sleep, letting you hold me whichever way you want and bravely sharing you the whole of me. I never wanted that day to end.

Never, never, never … but it did.