Notes from 3-12-10

12 03 2011

Yesterday, I was faintly rude at you. Your “I miss you’s” seem to not work on me and I suddenly (slightly) snapped when you said something that was taken out of context.

Today, you said that you feel like I’m not happy to see you. I said that was not true. That I miss you just as much but I’m just playing it safe so I don’t get disappointed like the last time. Then you became very silent. Like you wanted me to start the conversation before saying anything.

I’m sorry Jeff if I have been cold lately. It’s the only way I can keep a little of myself without the terrifying reality that I might not put myself back together if our relationship goes kaput.

But this I promise; to be a little more careful with how well I play ‘distant’. That next week, I’ll say I miss you too. And in case you tell me how fond you are of me, I’ll reciprocate with a non-safe response. An affirmation I’m sure is equivalent to your statement. No more of the, I’m right behind you nonsense.

We closed the day with you saying: I want to be with you always. That hints so loudly of what happens behind closed doors. My heart screamed Do you even know me?

I’m still confused.

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