Notes from 03-08-10

It’s 3:15 in the morning and I’ve just gone crying for hours over a boy who treated me wrong.

He won’t let me go.

The air is muggy and I allowed the night air to come into my room via the door. I feel so alone, perhaps because everyone is asleep.

I’m thinking of what my friend told me last Sunday – Jean, please don’t fall for him. Play the game but please don’t fall. How can I tell her that I think I already did? It’s bad enough that she thinks I’m totally losing it, to tell her that her warning is useless is too much of a defeat. She pities me I know and I don’t need anymore of her trying to take care of me. I use to be so strong.

I want to get away to just detach myself from all these emotions. From remembering how careless he has been with me. How used. But leaving doesn’t equate to freedom. Wherever I go it will haunt me, I will still walk the streets with a heavy cloud above me. And if I go home, the problem will still be there.

Again, I will say, I envy the unfeeling.

All I wish right now is to wake up when the hurt is over. But I’m too wide awake in this nightmare.

God, please help me.


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