I wanted to tell him everything. My thoughts, my fears, my doubts and my need to be understood. But where does one actually start when in truth no one has really confirmed the existence of feelings?
If I open my mouth I might just be sputtering conclusions that are completely opposite to what he’s giving me. All his extra kindness and extra attention might just be a figment of my imagination. The apparent innuendos, may just be – well, nothing. He may just be the conventional kind-guy who makes a habit of making people feel good.
Lately, some unexpected change started happening. I haphazardly told him that I may not fall for anyone anytime soon; a very idiotic thing to do if I should say so myself. I told him that in case someone new ever comes along, I may have trouble reciprocating. It was like an automatic response, he drifted away as soon as those words were spoken. Every so often I’d check on him but he would continually say that he didn’t feel well or that he was unhappy. And words that we so often exchange began to lessen. He use to be my first and last message for the day but now, I’d be lucky to get a good morning or hi if we see each other at the corridors.
I miss him dearly but if he can’t understand why I can’t commit yet and not tell him my honest feelings, then I conclude it’s time to let him be. Which, in textbook, is the right thing to do. Why should I even have to try when nothing is for sure? I am not sure about his feelings. I’m not sure about mine. Not sure where he’s leading me. Not sure that I want him around. Not sure if I want to be left alone. Not sure of the void. I can’t for the life of me, wake up one day just to realize I made a rebound out of someone I really care for.
Saying sorry, right about now will not fix anything. But today, I could not find his face in the crowd and I longed so bad to talk to him, to say to him that I am really really sorry. I wanted to say, out of impulse, that if it fixes him, that I agree with what he wants (whatever the hell it is). Maybe in the process I will learn that I am sure of us … if not, I’ll just keep my mouth shut and strive to make good with whatever we have. God knows it’s not everyday you find someone who wishes to make you happy.
Why would I do such a thing? Because at the spur of the moment at the sudden development of dread, I learned that I didn’t want to lose him and I don’t like hurting him – it hurts me back more than I can even explain.
So this is how it feels to care greatly but never love. But then again, I might just be imagining things – that I don’t like him and that he likes me.