Conversation With Self

After we talked last Friday, I decided to get off the couch for some chores. I tidied up a little and went to my room to see if I can do anything else.

I saw a stack of books that needs wrapping and started with it not knowing that at the bottom is the last book I bought with you: Tana French’s In The Woods. Thoughts about that day came flooding in and I remembered you were wearing your favourite shirt. We ate at our favourite restaurant and I remembered your remarks about eating something a little out of the ordinary. I stopped for a minute and forced myself back to earth … that part indeed is finally over. Your smile that was once so vivid in my mind, had started to fade. My hands shook … so this is how it feels to transition from weak to strong.

I’m happy it is truly finally over, finally breathing freely without having to fear another fight and finally looking forward to the future. My eyes started to water. After you’ve gone, I had to stash that book at the back of my shelf. I felt that there was no need to remind me of the hurt and the very many mistakes we both made but now, this small thing will not have power over me. It can never again trigger pain.

I looked around and the old emptiness is gone, the void doesn’t remind me of you anymore. I use to constantly wonder what you’re doing at certain intervals (something something o’clock: he’s preparing for work, something past half twenty: he’s headed home, something something day: he’s drinking with his buddies) but now it just doesn’t bother me, even one bit.

I pray this feeling will stay forever, God knows I’ve had mood swings before.