I got to read a friend’s blog last week and learned the most heart breaking news.
Someone she knew killed himself. Such grief.
… Last Sunday, he died by hanging himself. A photo-album filled with his moments with his girlfriend was at his feet. He left a five-page farewell letter to his family. My mom went with his mom to the hospital. They tried to revive him for an hour but he was already brain dead… or maybe he just lost the will a long time ago. He was only 24, just a few months older than me…
After reading, I immediately felt sad. Sad for the guy, sad for his family, sad for his ex-girlfriend and his friends. How exactly do you resolve in your head that someone close to you just killed himself? That he stepped onto a chair tied a noose around his neck and kicked the chair. Do you get angry at him? Do you blame yourself for not being around as much? What?
I stopped and thought of how things had been in my life. Sure, I may be a bit emotional at times (I think every girl is) and I have the ability to trap myself inside my head with thoughts of sadness, but I’ve never seriously considered suicide. Psychology explains that suicide gets thrown in the mix for every human being fenced in emotional pain – most carry on without so much as an incident but to some the thought of hurting ones self lingers.
I’ve had my heart trampled more than I care to admit and I’ve made choices that aren’t exactly right a handful of times and I understand the devastation it can bring you. I know the void, I know the sleepless nights, I know the poor appetite, I know the intermittent inability to breathe, I know the tears at night and the complete bleakness it renders every blessing you get. Heartbreaks can crush even the spirit. But amidst knowing the sorrow, I know that things can be well again.
I know I have real friends, I know my family loves me and I know that with every broken road I take, the Almighty never leaves me. I might have been unbearably neglected and eventually deliberately broken without so much as a care, but I have my faith and that always rings strong inside of me while I weather the rain.
Our purpose and wishes will come sooner or later. I just tell myself and the people who open up to me about their problems that life will be beautiful again … we only have to hold on.
I’m sorry about your friend D, I’ll include him in my prayers tonight.