Of Turns and Falls

Thoughts from March 1, 2007.

I sat calmly waiting for my dinner, this has been a long day.

I started my vacation aiming to clear my thoughts. I’ve been growing weary and confused for years and the breaking point has been evident. Fearing the worse, I took a chunk of my savings and booked my round-trip ticket to the north. Although I’ve hardly any time to breath after jumping from town to town, I must say I’m successful in identifying the cobwebs.

Clear as a summer blue sky, I’ve realized how things have turned pitiful.

For nights on end I’ve been crying myself to sleep, confused over how I got to be so alone.

I continually grovel for answers.

Years ago someone asked me, “Where would you be ten years from now?” With a clever grin slapped on my face, I said, “I’d be writing … with a career that will definitely fend for me – in case nothing happens, I’ll make sure I’ll be working for a huge network.” All actually happened and some are still happening but the clever grin so full of certainty and optimism is no more. I’ve trudged my life with so much blessings to carry in my memory box, I’ve become many things I wanted to be but …

Here I am, waiting for my dinner at a high-end restaurant listening to waves lapping at the shores and a lighthouse flashes a beam at intervals from a distance,  simply feeling empty.

I know what I am missing – a home of my own.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve refused to anchor myself. Even those who are willing to take me in spite of my flaws found it futile. I admit I’ve been carrying a heavy laden soul and the minute good in me is constantly fighting it off.

The dinner just arrived.

The candle strikes such a romantic tone … too bad I don’t have anyone to enjoy it with. The food smells heavenly, if only I can share it with a lover.


One thought on “Of Turns and Falls

  1. This makes me sad… I can relate so much to this, haha! But we’ll find our own one day Ms Jean… let’s just be patient, (that’s the spirit… woohoo!)

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