Stick

30 04 2010

Sometimes I wonder how people you deeply care for can be so careless with you.

How they can dismiss things ever so nonchalantly and callously. How they barely register the pain they can inflict. How they can sit through the day without so much as an explanation or a response to a question. A bleak realization indeed – something that induces even the strongest to tears. While people around me were learning to get by the heat, I was pretty much forcing myself to gather every bit of my strength to see pass the misfortune.

It’s so disorienting. Each mind does have its tipping point until it realizes that it can switch on its auto pilot for safety. But until then my worst enemy is the chasm in my head.

My self-fixing will begin once I get off these distractions. Until then, I hurt.

***

I cleaned my station today. Cleaned my cabinet, cleaned my drawer and my in/ out tray. I’m off to an indefinite paid off leave.

It was quite poignant doing it, like I was losing something important. I’ll miss the people, I’ll miss the hubbub, I’ll miss the routine of having to wake up at ten in time for my twelve shift. I’ll miss my daily trips to the pantry for a cup of cheap (but good) coffee. I’ll miss the nice old guard who greets me everyday with a vigorous “Good day, Ma’am!”. I’ll miss so many things that to list them would be unnecessary, but know that I will miss every little thing about my so-called second home.

It was at least mine for four years, now there is a possibility that I would have to leave. And the relative comfort starts to shake.

(sigh)

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