Stick

30 04 2010

Sometimes I wonder how people you deeply care for can be so careless with you.

How they can dismiss things ever so nonchalantly and callously. How they barely register the pain they can inflict. How they can sit through the day without so much as an explanation or a response to a question. A bleak realization indeed – something that induces even the strongest to tears. While people around me were learning to get by the heat, I was pretty much forcing myself to gather every bit of my strength to see pass the misfortune.

It’s so disorienting. Each mind does have its tipping point until it realizes that it can switch on its auto pilot for safety. But until then my worst enemy is the chasm in my head.

My self-fixing will begin once I get off these distractions. Until then, I hurt.

***

I cleaned my station today. Cleaned my cabinet, cleaned my drawer and my in/ out tray. I’m off to an indefinite paid off leave.

It was quite poignant doing it, like I was losing something important. I’ll miss the people, I’ll miss the hubbub, I’ll miss the routine of having to wake up at ten in time for my twelve shift. I’ll miss my daily trips to the pantry for a cup of cheap (but good) coffee. I’ll miss the nice old guard who greets me everyday with a vigorous “Good day, Ma’am!”. I’ll miss so many things that to list them would be unnecessary, but know that I will miss every little thing about my so-called second home.

It was at least mine for four years, now there is a possibility that I would have to leave. And the relative comfort starts to shake.

(sigh)

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Of Vacations and Affirmations‏

28 04 2010

Some few days ago, I looked into the month of May and thought of getting plenty of vacation. Then yesterday afternoon, I picked up my tickets.

This is not so much as a splurge but a reward for the very many things I had to do and endure. Also this does not discount the fact that I have time in my hand and people to spend time with. There is a growing understanding both at home and my friends as to why I am welcoming this and there is an unmistakable support that seems gratifying – to a level that reminds me how much they intend for me to unwind.

***

I have had many days when nothing ever goes as planned. When that happens, my train of thought gets topsy-turvy and sorting it out to more coherent strings proves strenuous.

It may be hard to believe but at times, the only way I can be reminded of the order of things is when I see someone more lost than I am. I am a natural giver (to some extent), so when I see someone in need, I straighten up, get things done and lend a hand.

That happened when my best friend from the second grade called me up to ask for help. And ever so swiftly, I remembered how I grew up overnight when my Dad died and my mom, sister and brother just stopped functioning. I remembered when Z’s house burned to the ground and almost lost his mind. I remembered when B got beat up by her domestic partner and I came to help clean up her wounds. I remember having to break my savings so I can buy a ticket for N who needed to come home.

How else will I be okay apart from having to help? I just need someone I love to give me acknowledgment and attention.

I think that’s true for everyone.

***

Attention went my way last Monday.

Actually I’ve been getting it long before I’ve noticed it but this time it was a tad more deafening.

Well who doesn’t want attention? For me, to be told that he didn’t want to see me go and that he didn’t like me reminding him of the days that’s creeping fast is utterly satisfying. It is a happy-kinda-sad state but I am not losing focus that somehow, he was brave enough to tell me how he felt.

Him asking me out may have been a little late but as long as I can assure myself that the affirmation spoke volumes then I’ll remember the giddiness it brought.





I Ge-Get Around

26 04 2010

I had only six hours of sleep spread to my weekend.

And I feel that this will continue on until the next two weekends … now don’t get me wrong, I love being busy. I had things to do and people to meet and now that I am about to head to my workweek, I most definitely feel fortunate for having so much on my plate I have very little time to worry.

Saturday stepped in pinning for good strong coffee to at least augment my two hours of sleep. Then as soon as the caffeine kicked in, I ran plenty of errands for my place. After that and seeing I have a few hours to give to myself, I went and covered a few remaining pages of a book I’ve been meaning to close. Soon after, I dozed off for around an hour and woke up in time to prepare for the account team building.

Before heading out, I met with TL J and his partner D to pick up a bottle of booze and several liters of soda.  Picked up by Mommy M, we drove to the venue and spent it until four in the morning. After that, a commute back to the city and a five o’clock morning mass as this was already Sunday morning.

Getting a few hours to myself – after I cleaned up, confirmed my next appointment, looked for something to wear and watched a bit of t.v. – I chanced a few (three) hours of sleep.   By 11.30, I was off to spend the next nine hours with a high school friend – an event I was super chirpy about given she surprised me with an attendance of another friend I knew to be uber busy.

I was just so stoked for having to go around the city as a trio.

By the end of it and appropriately tired, I realized I missed a group of people I was also supposed to meet. After showering them with plenty of apologies, I rescheduled to guarantee that I won’t go MIA on them again.

I think when someone I’ve been meaning to spend a day with declined my invitation (much to my disappointment), the Heaven’s threw me a bone. It reminded me that I have so many other friends that I can spend it with and I don’t have to convince them to.

So that’s my weekend, spent with a little less worry, too little sleep and a whole lotta fun.





Fried Days

23 04 2010

I hate it when I suddenly find so much time in my hand, specially when I want to while it away with someone in particular.

And it’s no help when I’m assaulted with a weather so unforgiving I’m accosted with asthma, dehydration and skin issues (stupid prickly heat!). Me and a friend had a thought – go up the mountains. Then when we got there we were greeted by an unwelcoming crowd and the reason we left the city – heat, heat and more f&*%ng heat. Next time V can we just go to the mall?

Jeez.

Right now I’m sort of waiting for something to happen. Something someone would do. Okay no point in riddles as most of you already know.

I miss you… well not you, the other you reading this. I miss you so darn much.

Note: Yes I am aware that the title looks familiar. I borrowed it. But I promise I’ll give it back once she realizes it’s missing (Thanks Zafra).





My Tuesday

21 04 2010

Got to work late … like four hours late.

Spent the first two hours feeling dizzy.

Worked slowly.

D shared some bad news. I told her to chill.

Vertigo sucks.

Ate breakfast.

TL J said he’s in a bad mood. I told him it’s almost over.

That he has nothing to be worried about.

Coughed a lot to clear the asthma.

Talked to J until we got cut off.

He said he’s in some sort of predicament.

I concluded the ex is still in love with him.

Ate a pint of ice cream.

Watched Ellen.

It didn’t interest me.

Read more pages of American Gods.

Took a long cold shower.

Thought of getting better.

Prayed and slept.

… at around 530pm.

— I promise, May is going to be a little more fun (or so I hope). Just as soon as I get this darn cat off my chest.





A Bit Sick and A Bit Tired

19 04 2010

After I took my mom and brother out last Saturday, I’ve stayed in bed for the remainder of the week due to flu like symptoms and asthma.

I’m getting sickly again. The weather has been unbearable and I keep looking at the sky for some rain. I think everyone is; we’ve also been praying for it at church. It might have rained last Wednesday – for about five minutes and what followed was a hellish muggy atmosphere – yet can you spell suffocate? It brought the smell of parched earth and the sticky icky feeling that puts humidity to sweltering nuisance.

Then fire.

Last Friday, 500 meters away from my apartment fire raged and blacked the sky. I felt sorry for those watching their homes steadily and swiftly devoured by the monter. I can only thank the heavens for keeping me and my property safe.

I think I’m going to take this week a little easy. I’ve been keeping myself occupied (over friends, family, visitors, day outs, work and errands ) for more than I should. I think I’ll just stay at home and take as much relaxation as I can.

But I hope to spend my waking hours not despairing for someone. That’s as much as I can hope for some days.





Happy Birthday Dad!

17 04 2010

You would have been 51 today but instead you got stuck at 43. Well, let’s just count life’s ability to be kind, at least I’ll always remember you to be young.

It’s been so long and the smell of your perfume is now gone. It lingered the first few months but as people come and go and as we moved around, your Carolina Herrera scent drifted away too. It hasn’t stopped me from remembering vivid memories of you. The very elegant way you dress up even when it’s just work, your frantic ability to cook up a storm and your towering height that imposes and protects. And your discipline Pa, the way you want things to be and your stern ability to hammer it on us – that I can’t forget.

No one has cooked up a storm for years (I’ve been trying but to no avail, I can’t copy your caldereta), no male at home has dressed so elegantly – your son, unfortunately needs tutoring, and no one has towered on anyone given our heights are close to one another. But I want you to know that I gave discipline a try. I try to run the house as much as I can. Mom approaches me for advice and I’m proud to say she (occasionally) listens.

Things have significantly changed. Without you, we’ve led it in ways we think and feel is right. I’m not sure if you’ll agree, in case you get to see us, but know that we are trying our best.

On your birthday, I’m preparing a simple feast. Nothing like your grand celebrations; that includes a party that invites almost everyone that you’ve ever known. Yet it will be for you, for the good memories, for a gesture that says you are still a part of us and a memoir that speaks loudly of how much you are missed. I would have given you a card and a bauble fit for a dad but I don’t know where to send it.

Happy 51st birthday!