Several Meds Later

And I still have trouble sleeping. I am writing this after taking less than five hours of sleep which for me is never ever enough, specially when I came from a whole day’s activity before that… and the flu before that.

I can’t believe how frustrating this is.

***

So I thought I can bring myself to go out last Saturday, but alas, I’m reminded of my limitations as a human. The flu was stronger than I thought.

But before that, I popped my meds last Friday like M&Ms and was thankful that I didn’t have to go to work that day. Given I keep forgetting to eat (or I’m just so darn weak to get up and grab a sandwich), my stomach started throwing hissy-fits the following day. By Sunday, I was in such bad shape, I was already crying. I lost perspective that I just had flu and not a death sentence but somehow my vulnerability thoroughly eclipsed my sensibilities.

I don’t know about you but when I get sick, the water works starts. And that my friend, aint nice to see.

I’m better now. My ears are still buzzing and my head feels like it’s still slightly spinning but I think I’m bouncing back.

My weekend wasted in bed makes for such drama. Zero sexy time, zero socializing and zero shopping.

***

Sunday after church, I had a long talk with my friend from Aussie over Skype.

We had a lengthy touch ups for friendship sake and I learned that she’s sick. It may take sometime before the results come in but I’m hoping it’s nothing a long vacation can’t fix. The conversation was, at the beginning, for me; sort of wanting to connect while convalescing at my lonely bed. But then it eventually became about friendship, life in general and future plans (or lack thereof).

Abby if anything is resilient and I’ve never been abashed in telling her the truth. I told her a very dark secret of mine and she was very understanding about it. But like good friends, she was quick on the lecture. She’s very much dead on and I love her kind honesty.

She’s visiting this year and I can’t wait to see her.

***

Spending weekend in bed while your friends watch Justin Timberlake strut live a few feet away singing Sexy Back, is soooo not nice. No not Justin and the strutting, but me stuck at home.

The least I can do is get a decent movie the moment I’m all good. Anyone wants to join me? Hey we’re doing Dutch alright?

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A Few Days Later

And it finally took its toll. I am now sick.

The long hours, the multitude of errands, the lack of sleep, and the most nagging of all – the constant vicious worrying.

I am now to waste my weekends stuck in bed insisting in my mind that my life should be different. That someone should be taking care of me and that I should be happy and content. But for what? I can fancy all I desire but nothing will ever be different.

Mona said, it can only get better, well yeah, I don’t intend to be in flu limbo forever. But the rest, will it be better? Will I finally get what I’ve been hoping for?

***

A few more pages to go before I finish The Swan Thieves. It’s a very melancholic novel. Something I shouldn’t come close even with a yard stick. But hey, it’s company.

Next stop, Say You’re One Of Them.

***

I hope to go to church this Sunday, get some penance or something. This dogged feeling I’ve been living with for almost a month needs a little guidance.

Of Fleetings, Pains and Searches

Three days of not getting enough sleep and I think I sill need a few days to put up with this.

Earlier, I chanced a nap (instead of lunch) while at work but it was no use, I still feel I have stew for brains. I’ll see if I can move some items around and get some quiet time for myself. Although I highly doubt it, not when I  have too much on my plate … too much in my head.

Yesterday, I dozed off in front of my laptop while researching. Next thing I know, the sleep I thought was enough only registered twenty minutes on the clock. I might have felt rejuvenated but given I had so short a rest I soon found myself weak again.

The problem is, when it’s time to sleep and I mean really sleep for hours. I can’t. So many things run in my head and until I’ve wasted four hours of tossing and turning that’s the only time I start to conk off.

I know, I need meds for this.

***

Damnit! I’m cutting my nails!

The last time I grew my nails was … was … well, eons ago. So it takes a little getting used to -used to accidentally scratching my own self or poking my own eye.

I love long nails and the girly feeling it gives me but I don’t enjoy getting hurting.

***

I stared aimlessly at so many faces today. Imagining things that are not there … hoping that things were different.

I need something … someone.

The Short Of It

I took one day out my weekend to spend with Ayie ( my best bud since I think first or seconds grade) and her son (my godchild) Irvine.

Suffice to say, I had a blast. I took them out for burger (I had the shrimp burger while they had baconator – something I can’t wrap my head around), ice cream and movies. I laughed so hard with how glib Irvine is; an eight year old genius who stops you in your track in case you use bad words. He’s a remarkably delightful, patient, polite, obedient and rambunctious boy.

I am planning another day out with them soon.

***

I hardly watch the television. If I do, it’s never the local channels. I’ve never seen (just don’t add the tragic times when I channel surf) a show of Wowowee nor Showtime.

Growing up, my parents and adults around me have inundated me with the basic knowledge of choosing shows that will yield you not just entertainment but educational worth. Once in a while they would park me in front of the telly to pick up a thing or two about someone else’s life (imaginary or not). Would you believe they taught me to make opinions out of writers and war by allowing me to watch Full Metal Jacket as a tiny kid of seven?

Well it’s true.

I also learned that if you want to survive, do it for yourself and not wait for anyone else to deliver it to you – that was after seeing Empire Of The Sun.

Again, so very factual and so very helpful during my formation years.

So now, as an adult I find it ordinary not to know anything about local afternoon game shows Willie Revilame have hosted. I have never been stilted brainless jokes that tries to teach me how to be trite and crude. Its content overrides commercial and idiot-inday consideration at all times, it’s so blah. Although this much is true, I sat through any Lino Brocka  and Ishmael Bernal films that reruns heavily in the early 90’s. And to tell you frankly, I think all old Sharon Cuneta films are the bomb. So I’m no snob. After all I half studied Filipino film making and adore Ricky Lee.

Some say it’s a form of pretentiousness. I say, it’s a form of self preservation. Veer away from brain cell implosion if it’s the last thing you do.

***

I’m still trying to finish a very lovely book by Elizabeth Kostova.

I’ll say this much: We need more of these intellectual books. Now I’m not saying I’m intellectual (don’t tell my brother) but I’m saying it helps those who need to bolster individual commentary of how art connects to the world. In Kostova’s novel, a painting.

Given I’m nearing its penultimate turn, I’m crossing my fingers that it exceeds my expectations after having met it.

Coming Up

Let’s try this one for size … one more time– kick, bounce, box.

I signed up for my revisit on kickboxing, I think my knee injury has fully healed and after I met with my instructor he is happy to take me in again. He noted that I lost weight; I smiled and pretended a modest shake on his compliments. I couldn’t tell him that I might switch from this to dancing very soon. This is, after all, just a hobby and I’ve been meaning to dance again.

I just have to look for my hand wraps. Where the hell did I put that thing? I don’t intend to buy a new one after I splurged on some nifty, albeit pricey, yoga pants

***

I found that I have several books waiting to be read. And now, I am a few hours away from shopping with a friend. One of my stop will be the bookstore.

I have around three un-purchased on my list and I am looking forward to it. I might need to drop several movie viewing, sign up for more vacation leaves and just basically clear my calendar so I can provide it ample time. Although there’s no rush and I love collecting,  I might soon need to get a new bookshelf.

***

I’m loving the weight lose. I’m loving that I get to wear my old razorbacks again (and getting new ones too). JC said, after pointing out to a gentleman’s magazine at a grocery store, that I should put on a bikini. Hmm, wasn’t that one of my goal after dropping the pounds?

But I still think it’s not yet time.

My imaginary cellulites have gone to vacation, so might as well look for my speedos, too.

***

He hasn’t lost his ability to make me laugh. I still have a vivid image of him in my head when he tried pushing a friend’s car off a one way bridge in the middle of Cagayan ‘nowhere’. It was a joke yeah, but he sure played it well – back-story, he took a wrong turn and we ended hundreds of kilometers from where we’re supposed to go. It was one tumultuous road trip, wherein he learned I can run really really fast when accosted with spiders and he can scream like a little girl in case a huge bat crash-lands on our windshield as he speeds to around 150.

He’s coming to visit, yey! And he wants me to show him around – like he hasn’t seen the place. Sure! I give him props for not feeling awkward after, ahem, the incident that didn’t yield what he thought he’d generate three years ago.  We’re still friends after all the brouhaha.

So stoked.

Currently listening to Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry while the t.v. is on (mute) Discovery Channel