I have to start getting used to the distance.
I’ve found myself a handful of times staring at his name on my IM, willing for a message to be sent. Then I look at the clock and realize that he’s not in until around five (or even later). Then my mind starts to wander, how nice would it be if he was closer. How grand would it have been if we weren’t bridging our communication through a small window on our computer screen.
He has told me a handful of times that he misses me and fear creeps in almost instantly. I know he is telling the truth but what equates the ‘missing’ is the eventuality that one can possibly numb out. That the ‘missing’ will go away and sooner or later one will just learn to get by and never feel the need to ‘miss’ anymore. This is no human error, it’s just human nature. Even I have fallen to these fateful gaps.
I told him these sentiments one Wednesday morning, and it was sobering when he said I should stop entertaining such thoughts. At least a little weight was lifted of off me. Then he also said he’d do something about the hallowing distance. That was when I recognized I had to back-pedal. I then hurriedly explained that I need him to do nothing. That this is what it is. Our lives were running smoothly before we met and it has to stay that way for sanity’s sake. There really was no need to complicate things just because I was having issues.
Easy can never be part of the equation; there’s great need to temper things. Sometimes when I want to hold his hand or feel his embrace, I have to satisfy myself with the thought that when both our calendars are clear, we can see each other again.
I don’t want this sadness. The dizzying spin it sends my head into and the need to just sleep so I don’t have to feel. I don’t like it one bit.
But what can I do?
Goodness, this is like Dan all over again.