Ran Over

21 02 2010

Clearly I have an image problem.

For it to be remedied, I first would have to identify if it’s happening. And since I’m as dense as outer space when my dry humour and sarcasm kicks in, I  wouldn’t know when to curb myself.

Last week I unknowingly irked a co-worker, argued with my mom (until she walked away to save herself off insanity for being stuck with an insensitive child) and I accidentally induced one of my agents to quivering uncontrollable sobs.

Suffice to say, I feel awful about myself. It’s these moments of lucidity that reminds me that I haven’t fully lost it but it’s also these moments that tells me how bad I’ve been handling other people.  Two things happen at the same time when I get into someone in a bad way: first, I forget to be polite and second, I start to think its normal – thus the coldness comes in.

These black moods, these bouts of mindlessness and the way my etiquette plays second banana to crudeness – makes me hate myself. I know deep inside I can be amiable and I’m naturally A-okay. But why does it sometimes become a chore? Why can’t I just get along?

I know it’s only an image but it has dragged along too far. Sooner or later it will really become me and I’m scared shitless that I can’t control myself.

But one thing is for sure … I’m sorry for how decrepit I’ve treated you.

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