Too Far In Between

26 02 2010

I have to start getting used to the distance.

I’ve found myself a handful of times staring at his name on my IM, willing for a message to be sent. Then I look at the clock and realize that he’s not in until around five (or even later). Then my mind starts to wander, how nice would it be if he was closer. How grand would it have been if we weren’t bridging our communication through a small window on our computer screen.

He has told me a handful of times that he misses me and fear creeps in almost instantly. I know he is telling the truth but what equates the ‘missing’ is the eventuality that one can possibly numb out. That the ‘missing’ will go away and sooner or later one will just learn to get by and never feel the need to ‘miss’ anymore. This is no human error, it’s just human nature. Even I have fallen to these fateful gaps.

I told him these sentiments one Wednesday morning, and it was sobering when he said I should stop entertaining such thoughts. At least a little weight was lifted of off me. Then he  also said he’d do something about the hallowing distance. That was when I recognized I had to back-pedal. I then hurriedly explained that I need him to do nothing. That this is what it is. Our lives were running smoothly before we met and it has to stay that way for sanity’s sake. There really was no need to complicate things just because I was having issues.

Easy can never be part of the equation; there’s great need to temper things. Sometimes when I want to hold his hand or feel his embrace, I have to satisfy myself with the thought that when both our calendars are clear, we can see each other again.

I don’t want this sadness. The dizzying spin it sends my head into and the need to just sleep so I don’t have to feel. I don’t like it one bit.

But what can I do?

Goodness, this is like Dan all over again.





Her Fearful Symmetry

23 02 2010

There’s an extraordinary head-trip that is most captivating about Her Fearful Symmetry.

It is not your ordinary ghost story, nor is it conventional. It may have the main ingredients like ghosts and a cemetery but the complex story of deceit, love, pride and loneliness strokes a different supernatural approach. On top of everything, this has no happy ending. It showcases the folly of men; although founded with good intentions, it can spin out of control and eventually fall apart.

I’ve been meaning to read it since last year but the need to linger with The Time Traveler’s Wife pushed me to let it mellow. There was a silent requirement to disentangle myself from Niffenegger’s previous novel in order for me not to look for the beautiful esoteric weaving she has so astutely provided. Given that it was widely raved, a disassociation to its characters becomes necessary.

Until one day I knew I was ready and the timing couldn’t be more appropriate.

Her Fearful Symmetry is a story about two set of twins. The first are estranged and the other still hold hands even when they are into their early twenty’s. The younger twins Julia and Valentina are left with several hundred pounds and a London flat for inheritance. Much to everyone’s surprise, they can only collect if they live in it for a year. The older twins on the other hand only start correspondence when one is diagnosed with cancer.

The character I fell in love with is Robert. A PhD writing about the history of Highgate Cemetery (set in London) and a bereaved lover of the cancer riddled Elspeth. He evoked pity and while we wish for him to stop falling for an echo of his past lover, we understand his solitude. I might have wanted a different ending for him yet it did not affect the magnitude he brought in for the novel. It felt, to some extent, that his love could have saved him or even the undead. He made for a good damned lover.

The main characters Elspeth, Julia and Valentina were also believable. While they mix their errors and wins altogether, the lives they live are poignant and amiss at most. Their macabre creations and choices wins the story. The very many crisis they imagined and created for themselves comes illusive at first but it ultimately results to a delectable read.

Elspeth died while Robert was standing in front of a vending machine watching tea shoot into a small plastic cup. Later he would remember walking down the hospital corridor with the cup of horrible tea in his hand, alone under the fluorescent lights, retracing his steps to the room where Elspeth lay surrounded by machines. She had turned her head toward the door and her eyes were open; at first Robert thought she was conscious.

In the seconds before she died, Elspeth remembered a day last spring when she and Robert had walked along a muddy path by the Thames in Kew Gardens. There was a smell of rotted leaves; it had been raining. Robert said, “We should have had kids,” and Elspeth replied, “Don’t be silly, sweet.” She said it out loud, in the hospital room, but Robert wasn’t there to hear.

Elspeth turned her face towards the door. She wanted to call out, Robert, but her throat was suddenly full. She felt as though her soul were attempting to climb out by way of her oesophagus. She tried to cough, to let it out, but she only gurgled. I’m drowning. Drowning in a bed . . . She felt intense pressure, and then she was floating; the pain was gone and she was looking down from the ceiling at her small wrecked body.

Robert stood in the doorway. The tea was scalding his hand, and he set it down on the nightstand by the bed. Dawn had begun to change the shadows in the room from charcoal to an indeterminate grey; otherwise everything seemed as it had been. He shut the door.

Robert took off his round wire-rimmed glasses and his shoes. He climbed into the bed, careful not to disturb Elspeth, and folded himself around her. For weeks she had burned with fever, but now her temperature was almost normal. He felt his skin warm slightly where it touched hers. She had passed into the realm of inanimate objects and was losing her own heat. Robert pressed his face into the back of Elspeth’s neck and breathed deeply.

Elspeth watched him from the ceiling. How familiar he was to her, and how strange he seemed. She saw, but could not feel, his long hands pressed into her waist — everything about him was elongated, his face all jaw and large upper lip; he had a slightly beakish nose and deep-set eyes; his brown hair spilled over her pillow. His skin was pallorous from being too long in the hospital light. He looked so desolate, thin and enormous, spooned around her tiny slack body; Elspeth thought of a photograph she had seen long ago in National Geographic, a mother clutching a child dead from starvation. Robert’s white shirt was creased; there were holes in the big toes of his socks. All the regrets and guilts and longings of her life came over her. No, she thought. I won’t go. But she was already gone, and in a moment she was elsewhere, scattered nothingness.

The nurse found them half an hour later. She stood quietly, taking in the sight of the tall youngish man curled around the slight, dead, middle-aged woman. Then she went to fetch the orderlies.

Outside, London was waking up. Robert lay with his eyes closed, listening to the traffic on the high street, footsteps in the corridor. He knew that soon he would have to open his eyes, let go of Elspeth’s body, sit up, stand up, talk. Soon there would be the future, without Elspeth. He kept his eyes shut, breathed in her fading scent and waited.

Her Fearful Symmetry delivers well on the lovely-kind-of-sad we reserve for tragic stories. We’ve read many books about the meaning of life but this talks most of its severe meaninglessness when we press for things we should just let go.

There may be comments that some plots slipped off center, but this is only because Niffenegger feels the need for further exposition. The push for muted rage on the oncoming tragedy (or triumph) fished for that much basic. I for one consumed every page with delight. I might have felt utterly sad for the bleak ending but that’s what good novels are made of: a deep cut and an unsealing stab.

Notes:

Written by The Time Traveler’s Wife author Audrey Niffenegger

ISBN 978-0224085625





Ran Over

21 02 2010

Clearly I have an image problem.

For it to be remedied, I first would have to identify if it’s happening. And since I’m as dense as outer space when my dry humour and sarcasm kicks in, I  wouldn’t know when to curb myself.

Last week I unknowingly irked a co-worker, argued with my mom (until she walked away to save herself off insanity for being stuck with an insensitive child) and I accidentally induced one of my agents to quivering uncontrollable sobs.

Suffice to say, I feel awful about myself. It’s these moments of lucidity that reminds me that I haven’t fully lost it but it’s also these moments that tells me how bad I’ve been handling other people.  Two things happen at the same time when I get into someone in a bad way: first, I forget to be polite and second, I start to think its normal – thus the coldness comes in.

These black moods, these bouts of mindlessness and the way my etiquette plays second banana to crudeness – makes me hate myself. I know deep inside I can be amiable and I’m naturally A-okay. But why does it sometimes become a chore? Why can’t I just get along?

I know it’s only an image but it has dragged along too far. Sooner or later it will really become me and I’m scared shitless that I can’t control myself.

But one thing is for sure … I’m sorry for how decrepit I’ve treated you.





The Wolfman (2010)

19 02 2010

It’s quite exact to summarize The Wolfman to be brainless fun. I wonder why I did not believe what I read before seeing it.

The Wolfman is a story about a prodigal son – who lost his accent because he’s been gone for so long – in order to find the killer of his brother. Unbeknownst to him, he returns to a decrepit mansion with a seemingly unusual father and an abandoned supposed-to-be sister-in-law. The chase for the murderer starts and he ends up with a bite.

By now you should know that if you are bitten by a werewolf you yourself will turn into one.

Truth be told, they did a spectacular job with the cinematography. Each set piece was crisp and it delivered well on the creepy side.  The music (by The Simpson’s fame, Danny Elfman) proved to be a very strong support that embellishes the scene  coherently. The actors did a good job, too. I may not be singing praises for Anthony Hopkins, but when he starts swapping lines with Del Toro and Blunt, he gets on with it like he was Hannibal again.

But what got lost in the melee is what’s most important – the story. It was wobbly in areas that could have made a huge difference and it had expositions that could have been lessened. This may have been a remake but I felt that there was no need for it to be just a rehash. Leaving the theater, I deduced that re-doing it is entirely unnecessary and completely pointless.

Plus, I can’t help but say that this is a whole lotta waste for Hugo Weaving’s talent.

Ratings:






Tired Runnings

18 02 2010

I’ve been running all over like crazy for eleven straight days.

I had work up to my nose, errands to run, people to meet and a life to sustain. I can’t even think straight right now. It was a literal mad dash from one thing to another and a nap in between a whole days activity. Plus I was in no shape to make organized evaluations of items that needed assessments. Thus, those things I have to mull over, I had to take home for the weekends. I’ve been deprived of a decent sleep because of the heat and I’m just no good when I run around on 3 inch heels (note to self: they’re just there to make you look pretty… sit down girl). If my certitude to survive wasn’t so strong, I would’ve just slumped to a corner, pretended I had no deadlines and called someone for comfort.

By Wednesday morning, the middle of the week, on my way home and perhaps to a decent meal, I was walking dead on my feet. I can’t be like this all the time …

Boy I need a vacation or I’m going to get sick soon.

Currently listening to Scar Tissue by Red Hot Chili Peppers via Launchcast





Defenses

14 02 2010

If you knew me, it is common knowledge that I can be fiercely solitary. That I can make the grandest of schemes for myself and find my own little place in the world without needing to be completed by anyone. I thought for so long that if we take out the risk of loving and not letting anyone hold the most vulnerable part of you, you save yourself of being utterly disappointed.

For the longest time that worked. I owned myself and my life was simple. I was not dangling under the mercy and entertainment of someone else. The troublesome discard that can be done to me is not anymore feared; no one owned my heart.

But sometimes, even when you have written at the back of your hand the ABC’s of taking care of yourself, something completely unexpected happens. Something that will break that spell, something you yourself will scratch your head over. And perhaps a week, a month or a year from now, I might again bring myself back to my old conclusion — that I should just be left alone — but a voice at the back of my head is egging me to stop being so scared and give it a try. It has long been difficult to ignore.

I am slowly putting my defenses down and little by little I am relearning things I thought I will not have to live again. Given that I haven’t done this in a while, I realized that I am slow at some things but can be unreservedly fast with others. This I think is what happens when you are slowly waking up.  I’ve already made one huge slip up but I am hoping he sees me past that. I hope that if this is it, we make it through. And in case it’s just an interlude, I walk away unscathed. I’ve had too much heartache and I can only bear so much.

I pray my life and love work themselves out.





Fight Much

11 02 2010

I miss bickering – with anyone.

I’ve been quite nice lately and somehow people find it difficult to contradict me. And in the event my fangs come out they still choose to shut up, no one really enjoys seeing me wear my bitch on.

These are the moments when I miss my sister Kate. Man we sure have thoroughly, enjoyable and exhausting squabbles. With her, I get to cancel my edit button and just argue away. I’m talking about seriously  getting down with how well we insult each other. Kate, like me doesn’t care if words hurt, are vulgar, out of place, insipid, or just plain mean. And she secretly enjoys losing her temper on me, just as much as I do on her. Sometimes going full-Rambo at each other is so therapeutic.

I can’t just get that much entertainment with my brother … he’s a pile of sissy. He’s petrified that if he gets on my bad side (1) he gets lost in the argument of who is smarter [that’s always me, thank you very much], (2) I kick him out of the house, which is not mine and (3) I punch him square in the face and he can’t do anything about it. You see, my sister punches back and all we need is a referee … which by the way, is played well by my brother.

Sometimes I wish for a boyfriend not so much for the romantic functions, but for the frantic heaves of fighting, yelling at each other, ignoring phone calls/ text messages, wishing you’d never met each other, and finally making out – I mean making up, making up! Sheesh!

Currently listening to December by Collective Soul Hole via Launchcast