Worried About My Schtick

28 01 2009

Sometimes I feel like someone just placed my brain in a blender.

Okay, so here’s the story. I was supposed to write one film review every Friday but instead, i just went to watch movies every week but end up not writing anything about it. I also said that I will finish the book I started last year (The Story Of Edgar Sawtelle- I swear that book is awsome) but the next thing I know, I picked up another new book to finish. And don’t even get me started with my quasi photography, a hobby I insist on keeping. Before, I would take snaps and immediately load it for review. But now I have stacks at home that haven’t been attended to. Been busy, yeah, you should know that by now. But nothing has ever held me back from writing a review or finishing a book before. Even if the formidable challenge such as lack of sleep or work is getting in the way.

I can’t continue doing this. If I keep dropping commitments and I’m not making follow through, something wrong is bound to happen. I don’t know what it will be, I might just be over reacting – like I always do – but I don’t want to be well aware of how perfectly I neglected my entries when the shit hits the fan.

I realized how bad it’s getting when a dear friend of mine invited me over for her birthday party (she looked so happy when I said ‘yes’) but never showed up. I’m in dire need of finding my inner captain to helm my actions. If I’m lagging on these, it will only be a matter of time before I start passing other important things I consider valuable. It’s so difficult not understanding one’s self, it’s like looking in the mirror and seeing a face of a stranger. It feels like a part of me is watching me and taking tabs of the things I miss which means we – me and the other me who is watching me – don’t get to exhaust all the good things we use to love.

Is this what they call rut? Is this the beginning of a descent?

If writing is like breathing and so vital to me and I’m ignoring it, shouldn’t I be dead by know. Oh dear, is there a pill for this?

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