Finding A Way To Let Things Go

30 06 2008

I’ve unearthed an old letter I wrote a few years back. I was cleaning my room when I found it lodged between two old books I forgot I owned. These are one of several letters I wrote that I managed to send, amidst great internal battles not to – mostly out of fear that I will not like the response. It brought memories, and then some.

Our way of doing things wasn’t cutting it. What is wrong here is the fact that as much as we try to make it work the more it goes utterly astray. We tried to talk, but even that we screwed it up. It astounds me that the whole thing became an incoherent yell fest of nonsensical blames and faults. We set out to fix it but we walked away broken and more confused than when we started. I never doubted that you want to make things work but I’m having a hard time figuring out what exactly we are trying to accomplish. I’m done blaming personality issues, we both know we’re much smarter than that, yet it all boils down to it. We clash as much as we jive and it pains me more than you know. When we’re good, we bring out the best of everything even the ones that use to make us cry. However, when things are bad, sometimes I just want to breakdown and start yelling for someone to wake me up thinking I got stuck in one of my nightmares.

I’ve said it a million times and I will say it again. If I mean so much to you, why can’t you give me a straight answer when I put this relationship into a clutch? They say it all comes together in the end, but have you ever asked yourself if this is the type of ending I deserve?

Give me a good reason to stay and commit to because wanting to keep me for keeping’s sake is just awful. We’ve managed to get so lost deep into each other’s misery that we fail to recognize the importance of finding our way back to what put us together.





Eclipse

27 06 2008

The sleepy town of Forks watched over a love as cold as ice, grow strong in every resistance. A boy knows that with one wrong provocation, his passion will turn to murder and surprisingly enough, the girl of his dreams is every bit eager to consent. 

Bella Swan’s best friend is a werewolf and her boyfriend is a vampire, nothing typical and very much strange, she lives her life as normal as the situation will allow. However, her boyfriend, Edward Cullen is not too eager about her friend, Jacob Black. Their kinds are ancient sworn enemies no civil talk can break, but Bella can never let Jacob go. He’s the one person who was able to get her senses back while Edward was away and try as she can, this reason is not well received by Edward. The truth is, Jacob is very much in love with Bella, and Edward is not about to tolerate him. What they don’t know is each will be fundamental to ones survival. 

A vicious vampire that held an ominous grudge on Edward is hunting Bella. Instead of getting even with the one who wronged her, Victoria decided to hurt Edward where he’ll hurt the most. And Bella’s demise will be her ultimate revenge. Amidst this lingering problem, Edward must also prevent Bella from seeing Jacob. An arrangement she immediately disposes. Secretly she will meet with him in order to stop an impending gap. As a consequence, Jacob returns Edward’s favour warning Bella of the danger her current relationship brings. He reveals that instead of choosing Edward she can instead choose him. Explained in great conviction, love and charm that although he’s a werewolf he is very much human. His heartbeat proves the point. He defends that with him they can live a normal life, grow old, have kids, and not prey on human lives as opposed to Edward. Bella sees the line of reasoning and slowly realizes the flaw of loving Edward. He laughed with me, and then his eyes were sad. “When are you finally going to figure out that you’re in love with me, too?” 

It’s agreed upon that Bella would unite with Edward’s kind but Edward declines stating that she must live her life as a human. Nevertheless, Bella wins the argument prompting Edward to compromise. Edward bargains that if Bella really wants to become a vampire this will require that they get married, much to Bella’s chagrin. She clarifies that she’s not the type that leaves high school and marries immediately, a subject she’s much too familiar with because her parents took that exact same road and eventually separated. Although she is sure of her love, marriage is something that she’s uncertain of. 

Arguments fly and relationships tested, Bella’s conclusion is to marry Edward after she enjoys her human life to the fullest. She muses that she would like this completed by losing her virtue to Edward, which to her surprise, he will vehemently decline. The demand to consummate their marriage before the matrimony is not opposed by Edward because he’s old-fashioned but because this may mean Bella’s death. The moment Edward met Bella, the smell of her blood have been his constant thirst. Not knowing the limits of his hunger and strength, he settles that gambling wouldn’t be very wise. However, Bella achieves to walk away with a promise that he will ‘try to’, once he has calculated his control. All this before he turns her to a vampire. 

This news broke Jacobs’s heart and drowned him in delusions of wanting death. So the day the werewolves and vampires come together to fight Victoria’s army, he vowed to go down in the blaze of glory than be without her. This is when Bella was able to put two and two together. He wanted to keep Jacob not as a friend but because he is in love with him too. Confused and scared, he kisses Jacob and manages to let him know the push and pull of her feelings and situation. Fiancé to Edward but endeared to Jacob, she is torn to all sides knowing the pain she will cause the two men who are ready to die for her.  

It had not been Edward and Jacob that I’d been trying to force together, it was the two parts of myself, Edward’s Bella and Jacob’s Bella. But they could not exist together, and I never should have tried.

I’d done so much damage. 

Eclipse is Stephanie Meyer’s third novel following her Twilight Series. A little languid compared to her predecessor, there is a need to prove its overall argument. It dragged unconvincingly, save the last few parts when the story is already running on its eleventh hour. There is a considerable amount of tedium that could have been taken out to support a more firm sequence, like what we experienced in Twilight and New Moon. Eclipse continues with Bella and Edward as star crossed lovers tossing it with a third wheel and paying homage to Bronte’s Wuthering Heights. The previous books introduced us to the selfless sunshine that is Jacob and we learn of his love for Bella but in this new book, he takes the reins and fights for his feelings. Coming off as a wee bit smug and tempestuous, Meyer was able to sell Jacob’s character without depicting him as aggravating and pompous. A playful mix of presentation buys the readers vote in Jacob’s charm. 

It also establishes the dynamic relationship of Bella and Jacob’s character. It illustrates them as the ideal pair owing to the fact that they are a perfect yin and yang. Jacob somehow demonstrates in great bravado what and how a real normal relationship should and can be. Although a well-meaning Jacob challenges the relationship, it never denies anyone their choice (the damned, Edward or the devoted best friend, Jacob). Somehow, you can conclude that Bella is the one unworthy of either of the men, without hating her. 

Honestly, I felt sad for Jacob. It seems cruel for him to be the only one who can’t get his way even if he deserved it. The dilapidated quality of Bella’s treatment seems unjust and downright painful. I only hope he gets a happy-ending. 

The book also picks up with a presentation of Rosalie and Jasper Cullen and somehow provides a direction on how the story will end. Although this book tucks the loose seems from the last one, it hold on its own by building a strong finale. Sad and knotty at the end, it attests that although we talk of immortals and beasts, it tugs the familiar feeling of human conflict. 

In addition, it helps that while reading Chapter 22: Fire and Ice, tropical storm Frank was wreaking havoc in the city.  It was able to facilitate the mood while the wind howled and the rain whipped outside my room. That part, to put it lightly, was riveting. 

Notes:

Eclipse (third installment of the Twilight Series)

Written By American novelist Stephanie Meyer

Published By Little Brown





Fish No More

25 06 2008

To start with and to put it politely, it was very challenging. One is in need to be on their toes at all times; miss one session and the following days will become problematic, that alone is tricky to someone with short attention span like me. Week after weeks and month after months, one is put through intensive schooling to cover all areas and avoid mistakes that may impact revenue. I especially had troubles with anything that concerned calculations (I don’t like math!) but with my coaches help and a little tough love, I was able to pull through. I also was the only one with a commendation; whew that was a feat in itself. Everyone on the floor was all smiles for my accomplishment after it was announced through email. So maybe, just maybe I had all the right to be self-satisfied in my head.

Last Friday, June 20 I graduated from my airlines class with a 90.15 average. Suffice it to say, I’m very much pleased and was a bit smug in my head.

Before this whole thing started, I was leery on survival. I was the new fish and unfortunately I was also out of water. I was one of those who had the credentials of my position but had no expertise of the product, nevertheless the Senior Operations Manager trusted me and perhaps saw something during the interviews that led me to be a part of the team. Day by day, I had uncertainties that I fit and there would be times I myself would question my existence in the current line-up. The me I know just isn’t United Airlines material. 

But I was shown nothing but kindness and I was received warmly. People would give a smile and acknowledge my being part of the family and all of them seem stoked as I am that the team is growing in successful proportions. 

Now that I’m done with training, I just have to go through minor buddy ups to herald a team and it’ll be work work work all the way. I celebrated with a huge bag of chips, a few bottles of vodka Cruiser and a new book by Stephanie Meyer. The heavens were celebrating with me as well. It decided to open up and give the city a downpour providing low temperatures conducive for relaxing and snuggling. The lack of internet connection and electricity didn’t even dampen my spirit, it was one of my best weekends so far. I love me right now.





Scenes From Last Friday … It Looks Like Rain

23 06 2008

I’ve been wishing for a good downpour for days now. There have been rain yes, but what I want is an appropriate whole day pour that renders the streets of the metropolis still and the frogs (at the pond close to my room) frenzy. We haven’t had that yet.

There was a low rumbling from a distance and when I looked out, I was greeted by an ominous atmosphere of low clouds and humidity that spelled RAIN. So I took my trusted chair and a book to await the heaven’s as it open, when I saw the horizons playing beautiful circus of colours. That was when I grabbed my trusted camera to take a snap before the rain falls down.

Soon after I took the third pictures, a patter was heard on the pavement, then on the roof, then I felt a cold drop on my face. It was a signal for me to take shelter as the heaven’s is about to grant my wish. I’m happy when it rains.

… and it didn’t stop until Sunday night.





New Moon

20 06 2008

In the sleepy town of Forks, a boy had to break a girl’s heart. This is his way of loving her because his kind – the kind that’s malignant and never sleep and the kind that’s described as monsters in our dreams – is no good for her.

Bella Swan was put to danger when Edward Cullen protected her from a beast of his kind. He was more than willing to be her knight in shining armor but before he took her off harm’s way, she had to be brutalized and scarred. This pained Edward more than anyone would ever know; it is because of him that she had to suffer. He then promised that this would never happen again. However, on Bella’s birthday the truth of the horror comes grievously when a minor accident turned the entire Cullen family to the fiends that they are. Again, Bella met danger. Edward knew that he couldn’t protect her because the thing that makes him and his family is ever so unstable for a human; the vampire in them is just too strong. This was when he made a painful decision to leave.

Edward had to be merciless, nearly inhuman. For Bella, it felt like drowning, only slower. He made her feel it in a slow laborious way in order for the blow to fracture the already sensitive relationship; he wanted it to sink fast and deep. The girl he swore to love and protect had to endure the most painful strike he can inflict.  And Edward Cullen was never to be seen in the sleepy, cold, and desolate town of Forks. It will be as if I’d never existed, he concludes.

But life continues. It is amazing how humans are capable of healing and it’s amazing how one flawed relationship can be replaced by another.

Bella tried to pick her pieces together with the help of her old friend Jacob Black. Slowly she learns that although a part of her was torn apart, a friend like Jacob is enough to fill the gap … even temporarily. It’s true that she can never love anyone like she loved Edward but she had to move on for her father’s sake. Charlie had been in tears for his daughter’s loss, and for his kindness and courage, Bella felt that he deserved more. So there she was picking up the pieces and learning to live again. But there is something Jacob is not telling her, something important, something that concerns the kind that makes humans in danger.

Jacob Black is a werewolf … the sworn enemy of vampires. With this, the threat suddenly becomes all too familiar; all along our heroine has been without safety. Afterwards, a string of events that led to grave misunderstandings, Edward conclude that it’s best to end his life, putting a stop to his meaningless sacrifice and existence.

New Moon is Stephanie Meyer’s follow up on her smash hit vampire novel Twilight. Very well written, it continues with what Twilight left off and soon we find that life for Bella and Edward is far more complicated than their makings (human and vampire). In New Moon, the first couple of chapters will render you speechless of the sorrow Bella had to endure after Edward made a life choice to save her. Although it’s embarrassing to admit, my eyes were rendered sodden reading through Bella’s misery. It’s skillfully expressed and coherently accentuated. Pages after pages, you would wish that Edward would come back but all we will ever hear (or read) is his voice in Bella’s head. Edward will not be in the book for more than fifty percent of the time but in the few times that he visits Bella in her thoughts, your heart quickens. It’s those sort of interlude that reminds you of the hero’s mistake; for he does not bring comfort, if anything it reminds Bella how broken she is. It’s with this fallible reason that makes it so captivating.

Although Jacob is not a new character, we find him as intriguing as the Cullen’s. We learn that behind his smile, hides deep sufferings clutched from fear and enduring love. And while we’ve grown accustomed to Edward, we wish for Bella to give the new guy the attention he gave the old one. He was just the type that was less cruel, more cheerful, and optimistic as opposed to Edward. He was Bella’s walking Vicodin, bound to tragic conclusions.

I knew we were both in mortal danger. Still, in that instant, I felt well. Whole. I could feel my heart racing in my chest, the blood pulsing hot and fast through my veins again. My lungs filled deep with the sweet scent that came off his skin. It was like there had never been any hole in my chest. I was perfect – not healed, but as if there had never been a wound in the first place.

Would it have been nice to have an Edward Cullen and a Jacob Black? Two monsters guarding you from harm, loving you unconditionally and willingly hurting for your happiness. And the way Edward broke Bella’s heart; to some it is the most difficult to forgive. But love doesn’t work like that. Yes, it will hurt you, leave you inconsolable and every fleeting moment you will be reminded of your loss. And yet at the end love forgets, and whole-heartedly forgives. Love is irrational, but one would rather have it that way than nothing.

New Moon silently clicks into place and after flipping a page or two, trust that you will forget the world you live in.

Notes:

New Moon (second installment of Twilight)

Written By American novelist Stephanie Meyer

Published By Little Brown





Getting Off My Ath And Doing Some Math

18 06 2008

Manual calculations, two words enough to induce me to panic. But right now I have to face the music after my aviation class dictated me to pick it up lest planes starts plummeting to earth. Well, not really but I sure will need arithmetics to get a packed plane from Point A to B.

 With zero expectations and patience in my pocket, I trudged numbers and formulas with hopes of not looking like a fool. I’ve been telling everyone (including myself) that I can’t do math, however my NSAT scores tells me differently. It has always been a will issue and was never about skills, so here I am putting myself to the test. First, I had to learn several rules before I start up with a formula. Then I do a little Six Sigma (don’t fret its just a big word for taking apart and putting together and identifying/ seperating errors along the way) then I get a calculator to make a coherent outline and whoala!… Manually Calculated Air Fare.

Take a look:

I thought my mind won’t grab it but after receiving my coach’s thumbs up, I learned not to be too hard on myslf. Modesty aside, I found out through this test’s reaffirmation, that very little divides me from doing it good. It’s not without pain but this shows that I’m no one-trick pony.





Tuesday With An Old Friend

16 06 2008

A nice Tuesday found me curled up in bed late morning. I knew that this was going to be a good day, I’m meeting Jase at the mall. And finally I’m going to tell him that I had a huge crush on him when I was 14.

 

Jase grew up in California but moved to Maine when he turned 19 to work. I haven’t seen him since. He married a Filipina when he was 24 and is now here to visit his in-laws. His wife is suffering from Lupus and would like to spend the remains of her days here. It was heartbreaking for me to hear Jase’s voice on the other end of the line trying to be brave. Nonetheless, this is going to be a good day for both of us to relax.

Jase left his wife in Angeles for a week vacation in the city. He got quite comfortable with me the last we talked saying they’ve been fighting more than often and finally one day before their whole marriage crumbled due to bouts of unexplained fighting, she told him to see his friends that he met back when he was younger. He then phoned people he continued to keep in contact with after leaving California and was surprised that the people he left stayed in contact well with others. This was when he got across my number and phoned me nervously.

 

When I heard a different accent on the other line, I felt nervous (something must have happened to a family or friend) but I was soon calmed when he asked for me and said that he was Jase Rene. I jumped to my seat and greeted him with a customary “Oh My Gawd, Jase?”

It was a blurry of stories exchanged in less than an hour. Then he said that he is running low (either on minutes or batteries, I’ll find out later) and we arranged for a meeting at the mall. Jase, if I remember it right, is three or four years older than me but we talked like we were still the tweeners that we were (or at least I thought). It was funny because we have not changed much. He still had the same snarky remark followed by “I’m kidding” and I was the same giggly girl too excited – it’s either that or I’ll just sound like I’m about to hyperventilate.

I’ve already prepared my clothes to wear for today last night, so I gave myself another five minutes before finally dragging myself off bed. Our helper Vanessa already prepared breakfast but decided to skip so I’ll be appropriately hungry by lunch. A friend who stayed over for the night drove me to the mall and wished me a good day. I thought there was no need for the wish; this will be a good day.

I stepped in the coffee shop and a tap in my shoulder told me that he was right behind me. With open arms, he took me onto his hug and gave me a kiss. I was so shocked to see that the scrawny little kid down the street looks like he’s been preparing for mixed martial arts. I stared a little but didn’t drool, his smile faded fast and asked if I was Jean and I said “yeah.” I still stood there and didn’t dare move a limb. He said my last name (mispronounced it too) and I again said “yeah,” this was when I realized he got uncomfortable. I asked if he was Jase and he then realized that so much of him has changed and he should not have done what he did in any circumstanc especially with a lady. He got us a chair and he started talking in rapid jabs I was hoping he’d slow down. Fortunately, I was able to catch a few (you look the same, you never changed your hair …) and I answered with some customary ‘ahas’ and ‘hmms’. After taking a gulp of my caffeine, this was when I was able to compose myself and realized I can’t tell him I had a crush on him … well, that’s because I think I still have it.

I tried my darndest best to not look retarded and exchanged some comments (you look so tall … I don’t remember you to be so big ...). After coffee, I told him of what my plans will be for today. He was determined to just catch up so my plan was well placed. He helped me pick up a new top, and in between choosing, he told me stuffs about him that I missed after he left. I learned that he is now working for the city government (laying out streets) and got very busy with his family life. I slowly got comfortable too and told him of my short stint as a writer for a big local film company and a little bit about my inefficiency to keep a relationship. He listened intently and was kind enough to be his real self by questioning some of my decisions. I felt at home with Jase, soon laughter was exchanged too after chipping in some funny stories. It was frightening that we were talking so much about us instead of his reason for vacation. I couldn’t ask him, I was too scared to spoil a rather beautiful day.

I pulled a nice black jacket and his eyes beamed matched with a smile, he said something like “Now I see the corporate girl” and told me to get it before someone else does. So I banged it in the counter and rummaged my red wallet in my disorganized bag. When I looked up the cashier was already giving him his change. I wanted to refuse but he continued jabbing about his life in the construction business. I decided to take it in stride and told myself to be a little faster on the tab next time. I eyed the ice cream parlour from a distance and he caught me fast, he offered that we sit for a little while (the top was not easy to find and three boutiques matched with my new three inched pumps was just difficult) and I said yes, only if we can sample the chocolate sandwich.

The parlour only had me and Jase and it was nice to finally not feel awkward and just continue with the discussion. This was becoming a little better compared to the coffee shop; I was now laughing and smiling – not robotically but naturally. This was when he told me about his wife Lorrie. Although he edited most of the story, I can read that Jase is trying to be brave and was doing a good job. We talked more until we realized we’ve been sitting there well over an hour. This was when the stories started to thin and we felt a little tired. I suggested a movie that I haven’t seen and he answered me with a snarl … something about being too predictable and not out growing the things I like. I retorted by telling him to just give me a ‘no’ if my plans were too lame, this was soon followed by his “I’m kidding.”

There is an irrevocable truth to what I am about to get myself into. It was danger about to hit me smack in the face but the peculiar thing about it is, I was welcoming.

He hasn’t seen Narnia and I haven’t too. So as a reprieve from hours of talking, he got us a ticket, a pop corn and two large bottle of water. Before the commercials rolled, he asked if I was still provoked by chatting while the movie ran. I told him that I needed to write something about it so I would need my attention focused. He said something about me being uptight and followed it with “kidding” after I gave him a stony look. I smiled at the side of my lips and so did he. The movie ran and astonishingly, I remembered every detail of it.

After the movie, I was appropriately hungry. I took Jase to Green Tomato and the exchange of stories continued. While waiting for our food to arrive (I ordered tuna carbonara and he ordered the five cheese pizza), this was when he commented about how much of me is different but so much is also the same. I returned the comment back and was slightly taken aback when he asked about a guy I used to date. I was hesitant at first but became comfortable after he started forking my carbonara to his plate. Time moved ever so gracefully and when we’ve finished our meal and took time to order desert (which we had to pack because none of us touched it), we were able to summarize the many years we had under our belt.

When the tab came, I grabbed it and made an effort for him not to reach it. He tried but after people started looking (it must have been weird watching two grownups fight over a piece of paper), he decided to stop and commented on career girls wanting to make everything so fair. I gave him a mischievous smile and agreed that I did not give into such nonesense.

Nearing the end of our day, Jase arrange for him to meet our other friends he made back when we were kids. He asked if I would be kind enough to set it all up, given that I’m still in contact with a few. He also asked if I had a good time and I gave him an obvious lie of “no.” I thought I had him but he said something like, “Good, I wasn’t about to make your life any better”, I pouted and he followed it up with “kidding.” On our way out of the mall, I glimpsed at a bookstore. They had new acquisitions in their glass display so I squinted my eyes to determine if it has something worthwhile. Then I felt Jase’s hand touch my elbow veering me to the direction of the store.

There’s no need to strain your eyes we still have time, he must have thought. In the bookstore, Jase grabbed a Tribune and sat at a corner. I on the other hand went to hunt. I must have been circling my pray for thirty minutes now when I heard him asking me to just pick it up; we were the only ones left apart from the employees (of course) and they were about to close. When I looked up, he was beside the cashier with money ready. I threatened him to stop and joked of grabbing everything in the shelf. “Let’s see you take all that home,” a sarcastic sheepish comment that made me decide on a book sitting proudly in the middle (Twilight by Stephanie Meyer). Although I would love to give him the upper hand of sarcasm, the night was drawing to an end that I felt too shy to send him away with a criticism. My gawd, this was a good Tuesday.

Walking me to the taxi bay, he said something about my feet. That it might be hurting after a long day. “Lorrie would be complaining by now if she was wearing that.” He was thinking of his wife all along.

                                                                        *** Events took place June 10, but the article had to wait publication to give way to more pressing reviews