Beetle The Bard

I’ve resigned to the fact that I will not get a hold of the eighth marvelous work of J.K. Rowling. Unless of course she decides to reproduce and circulate it commercially like all her other books or if I win the lottery.

One of seven copies of these coveted books fetched for a total of £ 1,950,000 at Sotheby’s in England late 2007. The book contains clues that were to prove crucial to Harry Potter’s final mission to destroy Lord Voldemort’s Horcruxes, The Tales of Beedle the Bard is the volume of five wizarding fairy-tales left to Hermione Granger by Albus Dumbledore in the seventh and final book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Only one – The Tale of the Three Brothers – is recounted in the book. In Tales of Beedle the Bard, the four remaining tales are revealed for the first time.

Lucky bastard! Imagine taking home a limited edition, illustrated and handwritten (by the author) masterpiece … I wish  I had a rich dad, too. It sucks to be me in times like these.


What Happens In Vegas, Should’ve Stayed In Vegas

I don’t know how the hell I got talked into this.

After feeling stretched like a thin butter from movie disappointments after movie disappointments, I again was dragged by friends to watch a pointless discourse of how two unlikely couple can find love in the most hostile environment.

The story goes like this: boy dumps girl; girl goes to Vegas to recover. Guy loses job fights back by going to Vegas to have fun – he’s not very smart. They find each other, hits it off then gets hitched inebriated. The morning after they decide to part ways but decided differently when the guy uses the girls quarter to score three million in the slot machine. Fight ensues, thus they have to find it in themselves to make the marriage work or they lose their money. And yeah, you guessed it right. They live hapily ever after, following an inane journey to resolution that one is made whole by the other.

The truth is, if this happened in real life the girl will either be found hanged suspected of suicide. But the truth is his husband took her there and made it look like suicide. Or we find the husband at the bottom of his tub, suspected of drowning but in truth, wifey spiked his tea and he suddenly felt extra droopy.

I am very much aware that all stories have already been told and perhaps this is the producers way of taking a jab at what has been told before only a little more contemporary. But what they gravely missed is the content of the story and the believability. I am not asking that the characters be brutal to the point of butchery but I am looking for something closer to home. The transition the characters went through are implausible and juvenile. There have been romantic comedies that have proven their strengths (e.i When Harry Met Sally, My Best Friend’s Wedding) without being cartoonish and hokey. After all our psychological evolution went through, I think the movie didn’t do service to the general public after undermining our capability to think.

Usually I’d put stars for ratings. I’ll have to pass this one though, I’m thinking of ratings that will fit movies that utterly suck.

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skulls

I promise, I’ll make this fast and painless as I possibly can.

To start off, I am appalled on how I was cheated off my hard-earned money. First, they make a big brouhaha about the movie. I was met with press release after press release, talk show after talk show and yes billboard after billboard of the new and supposedly awesome Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skulls. So there I was, soon after I was dismissed by my airline trainer I dashed to the closest movie house (to beat the schedule of course) and bought myself a ticket. Popcorn and hopes of being entertained in tow, I witnessed a train wreck. For a moment, I thought I was watching Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. It was so bad that the word convoluted encapsulates the movie. I though Iron Man was bad, perhaps I need to apologize for my hard criticism on that movie. I enjoyed that and will enjoy it more than this dreaded rehash.

It could have been laughable if it wasn’t so infuriating. Yes, George Lucas has something to do with it so I told myself to heed things sappy, corny, and annoying implausible lines. However, the lack of solid turning points, structure, and coherence made me doubt that Spielberg directed this mass of disappointment. The plot, pinch, and inciting incidents are too puny, drained, and bland. Shia? Don’t even get me started on what a waste of time it is for him to get into this. He’s nothing but a decorative puppet; this is nothing like his acting chops in Transformers or Disturbia. They tried so hard to put a story on something that will work better as a theme park ride. If Spielberg is trying to punk his fans then he’s done a very good job … damn, I’m still waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump off a bush somewhere.


Will The Better David Please Stand Up?

I had my money on the right David, as Cook goes home bagging the penultimate prize.

After 19 weeks, this single night pulled 97.5 million votes and 56 percent went to my bet. Buzzed and stoked, I followed the show until the final leg was put to rest –although an uninvited snitch gave me an unsolicited report– and I must say that I am very much relieved of the results. I sooo knew he’ll win.

Pre announcement, we were treated with a bit of the American Idol tour that the magic twelve will be bringing on the road. Given that I won’t be able to witness the spectacle, it was nice that I at least got a glimpse of the concert. It was also a treat that my favourite idol, Jason Castro, sang his much-loved “Hallelujah.” It’s nice to note that he is the only performer who did a solo for the night. It was charming how his hand shook while he belted a piece that endeared him to the judges and took our attention. Try as he might, holding the microphone with his two hands didn’t control the tremors brought about by adrenaline. He’s cute like that, ahihi.

Special participations from Guru Pitka (Mike Myers), Seal, Donna Summers, Jimmy Kimmel, Bryan Adams, ZZ Top, Jonas Brothers, George Michael and our very own Reynaldo Lapuz (I am your brother, your best friend forever famed). Yeah I know what you’re thinking, what’s up with the second rate washed up act? Well the truth is, American Idol is just preparing us with the obvious. They’ve produced more washed-up-has-beens than winners so why not celebrate them by getting performers we haven’t seen top the charts for years. Oh yeah, with the exception of Reynaldo Lapuz, he’s still to be washed up and he hasn’t even seen the light of the bottom of the charts.

Allow me to digress. What the hell is Jordin Sparks wearing? A tin foil? And damn, Blake Lewis is so obvious he’s wanting to switch places with her. Also, good job on the Gladys Night clip with Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr and Ben Stiller but following it with a Carry Underwood performance might not be that smart. The funny guys and Ms. Night is just a tough act to follow. By this time, the program is growing old and we start to wonder if someone switched the channel to VH1: Out Of Frame Special.

When the audience started to get tired of the long-winded exhibition, Ryan Seacrest reels us back to the purpose of the show. This is when I’m reminded how stoked I am in hearing the good news myself. The judges offer a short advice and feedback before the roll out. Like always Paula is useless, Randy is a dog and Simon delivers astute words. He summarizes his experience with the two Davids and how he felt after last night’s performance.

So there we were, Ryan articulates the David who won and followed it with the word Cook. It was biting and hilarious for Archie’s part. The smile that seemed sweet for many turned stoically strange.  I was hoping he would cry and be the bratty baby that he is. Archie carried out a first-rate practice of his post defeated grimace the other day thus he is well equipped to receive the blow … haha, now he’s given a reason to cry. Instead, he moved to a corner and put on a plastic smile. The self-deprecating Cook on the other hand, takes it in stride, with a bow and with his cute smugness tried his darndest best not to let the water works start. It was sweet and gratifying.

Going back to the judges, it seems unlikely that Cook is going home with the bacon when all they ever did to him the night before is nothing short of bashing. I mean come on, they almost said Archie is the winner but in truth, Cook is leaving with almost 60 percent of the vote. This I declare to be their lack of connection with the general viewers. They’ve maintained a distant pulse of what is really out there thus it is safe to conclude that eliminating Michael Johns, Carly Smithson or even the interview-challenged Jason Castro might be a mistake. This ultimately puts a question on their purpose. Do we really need them?

Oh well. Right now, all we have to wait for is how Cook will prove his worth.

David vs David

It’s a tall order … they have got to get a real winner this time, not just for this season but a winner who can sustain a carrier after the curtain goes down.  There have been 7 seasons, but so far, they have just produced two talents that can survive after exiting the contest (Clarkson and Underwood).  The competition have suffered the noteriety of successfully snubbing real talents that can fish revenue (Daughtry and Dream Girls famed, Jennifer Hudson).

However, before I assault you with my gibberish tirade of how the last two days of Season 7 went, let me just say … dang, that’s the corniest opening I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life.  What’s the deal?! Who’d thought of introducing this high-ratings show with a boxing announcer and analyst?  He should be shot, or better yet exterminated – people like him/ her who are under the pretense that they are artistic are vermins.  Honestly, there was no need for a cornball circus just to sell.  The show’s a winner without so much as a blah blah, like wearing boxing robes.

I think I need my chill pill.

The Nokia Theatre looked pack to the brim to witness the two Davids slugging it out.  The first two songs chosen by music mogul Clive David was a good warm up for every cheers, jeers and mayhem that ensued in each side.  Also, they were simultaneously coached by Andrew Lloyd Webber, who gladly reprised his role a few weeks back during Theatre Song Week.  He leads them with resonating chutzpah and advice to excel in every presentation and perhaps bring out more talent juice out from them.  First round according to Simone, goes to Archuleta.

I just wanted to say that while being provided feedback, Archuleta looked like a sissy… what’s the up with looking like you’re about to cry?  Are you buying sympathy or are you giving us a preview of how you will look like pre breakdown if you don’t win.  Cook on the other hand took it like a man … with balls and a thank you.

Second round, the contestants select the song. Cook goes first; Guitar in hand a band behind him, he belts to his heart’s content but Simone was not impressed.  After a commercial break, young David croons us with his chosen ballad.  This is the same formula that kept him going for weeks and he decided to use the same strategy to score.  Truthfully, I wasn’t crazy about the song, Simon states the reason why (egotistical and self-centred).  And again, Simone influences the votes by expressing his choice – Archuleta.

Last round, Cook sang a song he has not sang before.  Archie on the other hand covered a song we’ve heard him chant many times over.  Cook suffers a wrong song choice for such a pivotal moment and jabs a bit on Archuleta’s choice (why sing a song I did before?) to explain himself.  Once more, the young David takes it home.

Again, let me just make a statement … what the hell? Why does Archuleta feel the need to look like he’s about to have a breakdown in every feedback session?  I freekin hate it when someone is trying to manipulate the voters sympathy, I will only buy his drama if I see tears but until then, get a grip.  Just sing and say thank you for the pleasant observations, daggammit. Talk about hokey.

The show ended with the three judges conspiring that the night (day or afternoon, wherever you’re from; there are 130 countries watching) belonged to the young David. Only two song choice was of their own volition whilst the first one was swung by Clive Davis. Obviously, Archie kept to his same method while Cook dabbled with what he thought the fans call for in order to reel in the votes.

David Cook’s songs include; U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”,  Emily Shackelton’s “Dream Big”, and Collective Soul’s “The World I Know.” Only one, earned him a good review from the judges and this was a song chosen by a genius for him. The latter, proved a risk he should not have taken. Simon was right, he should have sang “Hello” or his recent chart hit “Always Be My Baby”.

Archie’s songs include: Elton John’s “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me,” Ryan Gillmor’s self absorbed “In This Moment,” and the undying John Lennon ballad “Imagine”. I’m sure by now after reading my invectives, you’ve identified that Archie seem to have won the judges opinions. But if that’s the case, there’s no need to open the lines for four hours in order for fans to vote, so yes, there is still hope. American Idol might just make the right choice this time.

To be continued …