Although I’ve just recently finished Of Love and Evil, I find that this can be easily recommended especially if you’re slowly getting your groove back to reading – case in point: me. Or perhaps you’re too darn busy that you can only spare a few pages – case in point: me.

I haven’t the slightest understanding as to how and why I suddenly stopped writing or why I mysteriously stopped reading. Oddly enough, I had the highest “events” for the past 25 months and subjects were never scarse. If anything, I had so much to write about. At the same time I never stopped buying books. I had my regular trips to my local bookstore and picked the one I liked with thoughts such as, “something to accompany me during the rainy days”. But I never got around to reading; I always had an excuse. These two activities or great love, if I should say so myself, are my saviors, my happiness, my therapy and most of all my friend. What constitutes this relationship concludes nothing less of fulfillment and ultimate love.

I would like to allude that this may have been brought up by a sudden turn of events however that would be unfair. Only because a blessing should not hinder such interests. If anything, it should have been bolstered by it. I should be writing and reading more. But no, instead I forgot my compass, suspended everything for tomorrow and slowly became a stranger to a page I use to adore.

I should be institutionalized. As mush as I want to tell myself it was for good reason, I can’t. I should be ashamed of myself, oh wait, I AM ashamed of myself.

Pft!

I will try, you have my word.

With my wedding coming up, trying to lose weight, work and the fiancé, I am nose deep with things things things to do. Let’s see. What happened since I last posted here?

Well, I got a promotion, joined the Canon Photo Marathon, received a lens for a gift, went on several road trips, was proposed to by my then boyfriend, been cooking, shopping less and regretting that I haven’t been reading as much as I want to.

The upside of things is, I’ve picked up Of Love and Evil by Anne Rice a few days back. I don’t intend to write a review but I am happy that I was at least able to run through it without so mush as a hitch. This should determine that I will read one book every month.

Goodness, I really hope I can execute this.

Comparisons are easily done
Once you’ve had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed

You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know

‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes

You’re like an Indian Summer in the middle of winter
Like a hard candy with a surprise center
How do I get better once I’ve had the best?
You said there’s tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
(Taste your mouth)
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into

You’re the best, and yes, I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson’s learned
I touched it, I was burned
Oh, I think you should know!

‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes
Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes

Oh, won’t you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
‘Cause in your eyes I’d like to stay, stay

The escape. Run.

There have been several benefits that relates running to healthy living, so I thought of giving it a try and eat anything I want. I suppose I can stay on my calorie intake if I add a little in the loop. So below is my first try; something I did with my boyfriend given he’s been running this marathon a few times now.

This feeling of being overlooked and having to constantly wait or even beg for attention is something I do not want to live with. It depresses me. You are aware that I’ve been looking for someone to love and I continually hope that he will be someone who will love me in return.

Right now I have J. But I’m not going to pretend that this is the love or relationship I want and need. I’ve been feeling down and he’s a significant reason. I’ve been feeling lost and unwanted since after I slept with him the first time. I can feel deep within me that I am not even in his priority list; I am just some sort of standby to while away his time in case he has nothing to do.

I’ve never felt so alone, hopeless, lonely and wanting in my whole life. I’ve never felt so forsaken and lost. I’ve prayed to you a handful of times, wishing all these pain will go away. So far I haven’t seen the light. I need your help. I need to walk away from him and not need him any longer. I wish to go back to the old me. The me who is not defeated and confident doing things alone.

If you are teaching me a lesson or perhaps preparing me for something greater, thank you, maybe this is a way for me to identify my blessings closely and never take them for granted. But Lord, this I ask with my whole heart and soul, grant what I’ve been praying for. Save me from this desolation.

I don’t want to have to beg for love nor have to hurt for it. I just want to know and own something that’s real, something that won’t break me down but instead raise me up to my full potential. Help me walk away from J and to also forget that I was once in love with him.

I don’t want to keep crying.

***

To J

Know that I really did care,

that I really did love you.

That even when I hardly say it, I missed you to pieces.

That my thoughts were constantly filled with you.

That I wanted us to be real and move past the physical.

Know that I was willing to make sacrifices,

to let you in, even with the baggage.

Know that when I held you in my arms it included my mind and my heart.

But know this too:

You never took good care of me

You were hardly around

And when I sent signals that I needed you, you either ignored it or just never had eyes for signs

You couldn’t bridge the gap, something that was so easy to fix

You made me cry

Made me wait

And when months passed you hardly hid your thawing enthusiasm

You were perpetually away

To put this all in a few words

You’ve hurt me to pieces

And you will never know how well things could have been if you just stayed around and were honest enough.

Bye J, I wish things ran differently. I wish I never fell, I wish you weren’t too fast and I wish I didn’t believe so easily.

I may not see the end of the heat, or may not feel good both physically (stupid asthma) and emotionally (I need to grow up) but I’ve faith that these will come to pass.

That I can walk with a hop again, that I can welcome the weather without so much as a curse, that I won’t have to keep nursing my weak lungs and I will again let people in without second guessing their intentions.

Indeed, this too shall pass. And perhaps I can for a second time, be the old me again. The ‘Me’ that never hesitates to find my place under the sun, without thinking of the gloom of having to do things alone, in short just the carefree me. The ‘Me’ that can go out to the world without having to think of my bruised confidence.

I miss the old me: The one who’s not burned, the one who’s not lied to, the one who’s not scared, the one who doesn’t sit on stand-by hoping for attention and the strong self-content me.

I can find her again, if I look hard enough. If I dust myself off. If I believe enough that this will not only pass but I will get what I’ve been hoping for. What I deserve.

But I need to take courage and trust all the signs set specially for me. That there are things, people and events that I have to walk away from – that I need to let go. It will hurt like hell, that’s for sure, but until I do that, deep within me, I know I will never get better.

I will struggle to get back the old me. If it’s the last thing I do.

Faith find me. Courage my beating heart.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never let forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I don’t know what your intentions are J, your signals have been so crazy. One minute you’re into this relationship and with a blink of an eye, you go cold. It’s not difficult to decipher, you’re enthusiasm has gone out the door and you’ve been doing a good job making me feel unimportant. So now I ask myself, is this the kind of person I want to include in my life? Would I want to spend my waking hours far from him and constantly overlooked?

I deserve more than this, because I know I have so much to give. It’s hard enough to keep this new relationship afloat without you putting me on the sidelines. So why are you being careless? Interpreting the chain of events, I feel with so much intensity that there is someone else. Am I right?

I don’t know what to do. So I have all these raised to the Heavens in the hopes that I will be  taken to where I should be.

Yet it doesn’t change a thing, I miss you to pieces.